disturbing and disturbed

You don't get it do you?

Do you understand the affect that you had on mom? Do you understand the profound level of fear she lived in through out her life. Do you understand that her entire universe, all that was to her and all that she was came directly from you. She had absolutely no identity of her own. Her entire concept of being was attached to you. She didn't live to go to flea markets. She didn't live to collect tools. In fact do you even know what was important to her? I would bet you have no idea of what was and what wasn't important to her. I can tell you that she hated going to flea markets. I can tell you that she lived to come out to Colorado.

Her very survival was completely attached to you. If there was even the hint of loosing you she would go into a state of panic and shock. When you got angry with her and pulled your passive agressive bullshit with her that state of panic, shock, and terror jumped in orders of magnitude.

While I don't believe my ex-wife was nearly dependent on me because she was the one to actually file, she was dependent never the less and because of this dependency I was able to do the same things to her that you did to mom. Do you understand that mom's enlarged heart was born out of stress - not smoking, not eating the wrong things, not watching too many episodes of Phil Donahue. No, it was stress. Where did the stress come from? - Fear. What was the fear all about. The fear was all about not being able to please you and loosing you.

The only reason I am as fucked up as I am is because you stuck around.