The Underlying Theme

I am afraid for my life. I always have been afraid for my life. From the time the sperm and egg came together I started being afraid for my life.

Right now, I can really get filled with a lot of resentment. And I can not do that. My resentments are what got me here in the first place. Especially when we start talking about money. It's a hit. Don't give me that do goody good bullshit.

Behind the money is fear, fear of what? fear of loosing one's life. Isn't that what all this is about anyway? Why am I an addict? I am an addict because of fear. There are things in my life, in my subconscious that seem to be a matter of life and death. To be sure, I was raised in an environment where the most mundane things could be turned into a matter of life and death.

For instance, I accidentally put a scratch in the door of our Ford Pinto Wagon when I was a kid. I was anywhere from 8 or 12 years old. We were going over to my Aunt Alice's for one of our maniacal family get togethers. This is in Sandusky Ohio. The car was parked in my grand parents' driveway. The driveway was very narrow and had steel poles on the side of it. The doors on a pinto wagon were very long and the pole was about a foot from the door. I opened the door as gently as I could but it was not gentle enough. As we were on our way over there my dad kept getting more and more angry about what had happened. Finally, he pulled over to the side of the road and made me get out and walk the rest of the way. This was, of course, after he threw a complete Styrofoam cooler full of pop (he took out all of the beer) out along side of the road for some reason. The scratch in the side of the door was more important than me. You know, I kind of resent that in some strange warped way.

My dad withdrew his love from me because of that scratch. In so doing, in my mind, he put my survival in jeopardy. Note to self - beware of putting scratches in doors of cars or anything like this. This was as is written by the great poet Floyd another brick in the wall. Also, run away from people that get pissed at you. (as an aside) Run like Hell, another Poem by Floyd.