Some Art

Adam

Me

Need some more self esteem here.

First:

And now a little back round from some previous posts:

Me:

The weekend went really well with my son.  I think I instant messaged you about how we had some really good in depth conversations.  We talked about my involvement with him and his brothers.  He told me that he understood but couldn't imagine how hard it must have been for me and that he thinks I am one of the strongest people he has ever met.  And he is comparing me with his scout leaders one of which is a super high powered environmental attorney and another who is a retired FedEx pilot and Navy fighter pilot.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing as he was telling me this.  He was so happy that he never pitted him or his brothers against his mom and that his mom didn't pit them against me.

Tara:

Just got home and read both your msgs.  How cool that your kids appreciate you.

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And Now:

Andy:

On Sat, Aug 31, 2019 at 11:10 PM  I wrote:

I need a bit more self esteem here. 

(YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND I AM NOT BASHING YOU OR MAD AT YOU IN ANYWAY.  YOUR RESPONSE TO A PREVIOUS E-MAIL WAS LOVING AND PERFECT.  I JUST NEED TO VOICE THIS, WRITE IT TO SOMEONE, WRITE IT TO YOU TO HELP THE MESSAGE MAKE THE JOURNEY FROM MY HEAD TO MY HEART. SO I HAVE TO BE A BIT HARSH.  I HOPE THIS MAKES SENSE.  I NEED TO LET ADAMS WORDS HELP ME WITH MY SELF ESTEEM.  I DON'T WANT THIS TO HURT YOU.  BUT I NEED TO HAVE MY HEAD SAY, "YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I AM A GOOD PARENT.  . . . . . BECAUSE IT DOESN'T DO THAT.  THINK OF THIS AS KIND OF A BATAKA SESSION AND IT HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU OTHER THAN YOU PROVIDED SOME WORDS IN A PREVIOUS E-MAIL FOR ME TO WORK WITH.  LIKE I HAVE SAID BEFORE YOU ARE THE LIGHTS ON THE SHIP AHEAD OF ME IN A RAGING STORM AT NIGHT.  THIS SHOULD BECOME MORE CLEAR AT THE END OF THIS E-MAIL)

Strap yourself in.  Here we go. 

This whole fucking thing with Valerie is destroying me. Please understand that the following is a bunch of horseshit.  I feel safe in telling you and being honest about the circus in my head.  If Maryanne weren't here and one day she won't be, I could so see myself having a bottle of wine and going out to the garage and going to sleep in a running car.  I mean, don't most people think that at one time or another.  I am actually really worried about being left alone. It is fucking terrifying.  The only thing that makes me feel better about being all alone is that I have some control over it. suicide.  It brings a certain sense of relief as in, "All I gotta do is this.  No matter what they say everybody will be fine. Including me.  They just don't want to feel guilty. blah blah blah"

Okay, so that wasn't good, right?  What I wrote up there is the end game on Valerie.  Valerie isn't even a person anymore just some abstraction.  The abstraction of a relationship.  The abstraction of not being alone.  The abstraction of the idea that I am not a good person worth being around.  Which most of the time I feel.  It is just the way it is.  It is a feeling I have.  I won't deny it.  I also won't deny that feelings are not facts.  But that feeling, that feeling of not be a good person worth being around is strong. And it is soooo consuming sometime.

So!  Remember way way back when we were at Unity when it was on 4th street in the shopping center.  It was a cold winter's day and..... and it was Rodney's Birthday and I wanted to call and talk to him.  That was a truly horrible time for me.  You actually called Ronda and asked her if I could talk to Rodney and she let me.  Fuck, I am crying just thinking about it. I remember that time with my kids.  I couldn't even bring myself to go up and see them.  Later that year Ronda and I agreed that I would call them on Sundays.  I dreaded that time of the week. It was the most horrible time of the week.  Neither the kids nor I knew what to say to each other.  The conversations were short - five minutes at most.  I hemmed and hawed hours before making the call and after the call I felt soooo cold and empty and I felt like such a loser. In 2006 I did not see them at all.  And then until 2008 I only saw them at most six times a year.

People tell me I am a really good parent. They do not know though.  In my mind I knew I hated calling them.  In my mind I knew I hated going up there.  In my mind I knew that at one point I didn't even want to know about them.  Good parent?  Are you fucking kidding me?  You don't know.  If they only knew. . . .  The, "You are such a good parent" is a disingenuous platitude.  And I would hate the people that would say that to me.

I wrote to you about what happened with Adam and me last Sunday when he said with tears in his eyes that I was one of the strongest people he knew.  You wrote back, that it was so cool that I had kids that appreciated me. Here goes. Like I said these words seem to work. (By the way Tara, I think you are one of the people that I most love on this planet.  I need to tell you that because what is going to follow may not convey that sentiment)

My thought after that was "really!?"  Don't you realize what I just wrote to you about.  He said I was one of the strongest people he new and all you got is, "It is so cool that you have kids that appreciate you."  So the reason for my sort of harshness here is that you were there. You were there when I needed to talk to Rodney.  You watched the whole thing of how difficult it was for me and all you could muster up was. Whoa dude that's cool."   No, I beg to differ.  It wasn't just "cool".  It was a fucking miracle.  It was beyond anything I could have ever imagined.  Those words, "You are one of the strongest people I know." deserve more than  a "cool" or "Dude that's awesome, party on. . . . "  No, no, no, no,. . . . . Those words were a culmination of 16 goddamn years of being in the dark trying to do the best I could and not believing I was doing anything at all.  Those words he spoke were a type of reward somehow for the cold and empty that I have so often felt.  16 fucking years of cold and empty.  16 years of "what I am doing means nothing." "I am a piece of shit." "why am I even calling them.?"  16 years of "why am I even fucking going up there?"  "They don't even want me up there anyway."  16 fucking years of, "I am just their fucking uncle."  "They wouldn't even know it if I was gone." " I feel like such a fool going up there."  "I feel like such a fool calling them."  "Everything I say to them on the phone is stupid."  "Why am I calling them?"

And then one Sunday night in August in 2019, many moments after 2006,  I get. "I've never viewed you as my uncle with an emphatic, You are Dad!, You know you are one of the strongest people I know.  I have the greatest respect for you.  I value what you say." Complete with tears in his eyes.  He even apologized for "getting so deep."

When he said that, all I could think was, "Yessssss" with a super duper fist pump.  So no Tara. It wasn't just "cool they appreciate me."  It was or is a Fuck Yeah!  I did it.  I was able to do it - at least with one of them.  All the emptiness.  All the coldness, all the not knowing.  Yet, I kept on going. I kept putting one fucking foot in front of the other.  I only looked back occasionally but never once did I think about turning around.  Turning around was not an option.  I just kept on doing the empty, the cold, the not knowing.  In the dark, in the blizzard, in the rain, I kept moving.  I knew I couldn't stop no matter how bad it felt, no matter how much it hurt.

In my heart I know what I am doing!  I know what I am doing is true and good and right!  And I've done it!

Tara, you wrote the perfect set of words.  And I don't actually think for one second you were trivializing what had happened.  All these things that I have said about me keeping going, calling them, going up there and so on.  You have told me over and over for the last 16 years.  Of course they didn't make it into my heart.  Even the words that Adam said are attempting to make that almost impossible journey from my head to my heart.  But me yelling at you I think sort of helps clear that road for Adam's words, . . . and for your words.

I believe that what I have done with my kids is amazing and a miracle.  And I couldn't have done it without you.

I really needed to hit that bataka, or however you spell it, tonight.

I have to admit that is some winding road starting with Valerie destroying me and ending up with what I have done with my kids is amazing.  It was intentional. I spoke with someone today that said when ever they went into obsessing about a failed relationship it was when they were feeling low self esteem.  Maybe if I have more self esteem Valerie will get the fuck out of my head.

I really hope all this made sense and you still like me.

A lot of love and a lot of light your way

Andy.

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Tara:

On 2019-08-31 23:35, Tara wrote:

Thanks for telling me that, Andy.  I'll take it as a vote of trust in me.  And you're right.  It is a miracle.  Everything you've done in recovery is a miracle.  Doing the hard thing of "Dad out of water" over and over week after week, year after year is incredible.  You have shown exceptional courage in the face of unbearable emotions all the years I've known you.  It's very rare.  Even in recovery.

I got sidetracked with a 12 step phone call before I could answer your last email.  I took trazedone before I read this email and I'm starting to drift, so I can't even pull together what I was going to say.  I wonder if that might have happened before my lackluster response to your story about you and Adam.  IDK.  I don't remember.  Anyway, I'm okay with your "yelling"  And I love you, too.

Tara

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Andy:

You are right.  I wouldn't have sent that to you if I didn't trust you would understand.  All you did was write a sentence that provided a spring board for me.  All that harsh verbiage was so that I could hear it/see it/voice it.  Honestly I was just yelling at myself.  Yeah, don't worry at all about what you wrote.  It was a wonderfully supportive e-mail.  I also really appreciate how you get back to me on my e-mails.

The crazy continues though. I just saw something else regarding V-girl.  This would really suck if it turns out to be true.  This will be in another e-mail though.

In gratitude.

Andy

Sucks being back. My brain is telling me my life is not alright.

Me:
On Tue, Aug 27, 2019 at 1:11 PM
I keep trying to tell my brain to stop.  Seriously just fucking stop would you.  And it is all back to v girl.  I am getting on FB just to see if she is in my active contacts.  We haven't messaged each other since last summer.  I haven't looked at her facebook page since last summer.  She isn't in my phone contacts.  For all intents in purposes she is  but an acquaintance yet she shows up near the top of my active contacts even when she is not active.  And when she is active she shows up as number one - before you - even before Kelli.

It is pretty creepy.  It is like FB knows.  It is like FB is in my head or. . . .

.

.

The eight year old child in me says:

"She keeps looking at my page!!!  Yes that's it.  Also, what the hell is she doing on messenger anyway.  She is on a lot. . . more so lately.  Maybe she did break up.  She can't stop looking at my page. and she wants to. . . .  I need to look at her page"
--------------------

The adult says:

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Don't go to her page.  Let's just stay here.
------------------------

Lyrics to a new song I like:

Already, we'll all float on alright
Already, we'll all float on okay
Don't worry, even if things get heavy
We'll all float on alright
______

Float on lets not expect too much out of life.

Thanks for listening

Andy
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Tara:
On 2019-08-27 19:16, Tara wrote:

I'll add to your creepiness.  Not too many days ago, I went on V's FB page.  I almost never go on anyone's page.  She had wanted input from women on some health stuff, so I went there, though I ended up not leaving any comments.

Would the obsessing end if you ended up finding out she's still in a relationship?  What about steps 1,2 & 3?.

Tara
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Andy:
She must be pregnant.
You asked, "Would the obsessing end if you ended up finding out she's still in a relationship? What about steps 1,2 & 3?."
Anyway the answer is no.  It would just make it different in that I would feel so like a loser.  I am not tall enough.  I am too old.  I am not this.  I am not that.   I wish you hadn't told me about going on her page and the health stuff.  As I was reading, "I went on "V's" page". . .  my heart began to race.  How fucked up is that.  You do know I have no control over that kind of thing.  Those feelings are there. no amount of turning it over or admitting or coming to believe will stop those feelings from happening.

I am thinking that basically you just told me she is still in a relationship and that I should be working steps 1 2 and 3 to deal with it.   I was kinda not looking for that information.  It was kinda nice to have that hope. I wish you would have left me with that hope.

Anyway, usually after some kind of contact occurs with her the obsession gets less over time.  I know I probably just need to unfriend her.  After this contact with her it will probably take another four months.  Another four months, no contact, then unfriend.  So maybe December 7th if you are available or on my birthday. . . we can have a ceremony upon where I unfriend her.  It does not feel right to unfriend her yet.  I was about ready to when I got that message from her. . . . .  Maybe I could do it sooner but It would have to be some kind of ceremony kinda thing.

I've had lots of what I would consider cruel things happen to me since Wendy's passing.  Things that make me feel so fucking alone.  It feels so cruel.  Maybe this is me just being the victim but the feelings are there none the less.  And all this is just in my head. it is actually nothing real.  It is just some kind of abstract thing going on in my head as opposed to say my arm being cut off, losing my eyesight, etc.

My brain is really fucking me over.

If Wendy could some how communicate with me in some way to the effect of or where it would feel like:

Her putting her hand on my face, feeling her soft palm as it gently kisses my cheek.  Then feeling her fingers, her delicate lovely fingers run down the side of my face as she looks me in the eyes and tells me.  "Andy, I am not ready to let you go.  Please don't leave me."  And then maybe a delicate kiss where our lips would barely touch.  Maybe then I could straighten up out of my fetal position, put my hands on the floor and push my self up onto my knees, And then bring one knee up to plant one foot firmly on the ground and with that leg hoist myself up so that I am standing erect once again.

I have been in the fetal position ever since she passed.  I want to stand again.  I can't seem to do it though.

Okay I am done now.

Thanks for listening yet again.

Andy
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Andy:
On Tue, Aug 27, 2019 at 11:28 PM wrote:
I do so appreciate all your communication with me!  I mean really!  Even the,"Would the obsessing end if you ended up finding out she's still in a relationship?  What about steps 1,2 & 3?." and how I interpreted it.  I am fully aware that what is going on with her is some kind of abstraction in my head which when I am in that hope is making my life or dealing with or coping with my life somehow easier?  I was talking to a sponsee tonight and telling him as we were sitting there eating and talking that, "Honestly, this is as good as it gets. Nothing is going wrong. I am not losing my arm or eyesight.  I feel basically good physically and mentally. Anything more than that is just some abstraction in my head.  It is literally physically nothing.  nothing at all.  Being with V or not being with V is nothing.  My brain is just fixated on this concept."  Unfortunately a lot of times this doesn't help.

The thing I wrote about Wendy though does a little bit.  If she were actually able to communicate with me some how and tell me that she did not want me to leave her.  And I knew for sure deep in my heart that she was there,  Obsessions about V or being in a relationship or anything would go away.  This of course is Wendy being my HP.

As far as steps two and three.  became willing and making the decision.  Step 3 to me is the God I offer myself to thee.  I go in and out on this one.

So Mary Anne and I are going up to Cedar City Utah tomorrow to go see a 4 and a half hour shakespear play.  Starts at 8pm tomorrow night.  It is always fun going on road trips with her.  I need this.

I am so filled with lyrics to songs these days.

Example - thinking of Wendy.

Love I get so lost, sometimes
Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
When I want to run away
I drive off in my car
But whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

Love, I don't like to see so much pain
So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive


The line "So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away" brings me gratitude in that Wendy and I did not fight with each other wasting our time as the moments slipped away.  We only had so many.  In fact we only had five million nine hundred eight thousand two hundred fifty five minutes.  We used them all.  every single one of those minutes we used.  Why would you waste even one of them fighting with each other?

Thanks for listening - gotta go to bed

love and light

Andy
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Tara:
You and Wendy knew the preciousness of your time together  That has a powerful effect on a relationship.  I remember that song.  Was it "In Your Eyes?"

Andy, it is so heartbreaking -- like the cruel twist you talked about -- that something with Roy repeatedly destroyed the awareness of the preciousness of our time together.  When he wasn't on the warpath, toward me or the world, I adored that man, his essence.  I still do.  But he couldn't not go on the warpath.  It seems such a terrible shame.  Maybe there was something I could have done.  But I have no idea what it might have been.  I wracked my brain, consulted with professionals, and tried everything under the sun I could think of.

What a shame not to appreciate the preciousness of time with a loved one.  I image it happens to most couples.  I'm glad it didn't for you and Wendy.

Have a fun trip!

Acting out

I haven't in the really bad way.  And I have yet too in the really really bad way.  Fortunately, the "really really bad way" only involves me hurting myself - no one else.  I am sooooo thankful to what ever power exists - could be God or could be just the way my brain is put together.

I want to stop this.  I did really good from last Wednesday through Sunday.  On Thurs I shut down my accounts on "the two" sites but then restored them on Monday.  It returned on Sunday and I had plans to do something when I got back to Phoenix but I didn't.  However, the stuff that I ordered had come in over the weekend while I was up in Montana and I tried it out.  It really lost it's appeal though.  I have no idea how they engage in that activity.

I need to keep talking.

?

Tara:

On Aug 23, 2019 9:04 AM, Tara  wrote:

You heard back from her after second attempt?

How are you doing today?  Step one-ing?  It's a terrible addiction.  I guess they all are.

Me:

On Fri, Aug 23, 2019 at 6:25 PM Drew  wrote:

I am in Montana now.  She did respond after my second message to her.  You'll never believe this but there's a chance that it may have had nothing to do with me.  Although I can talk myself out of that silly notion.  She said she had had a couple of bad days.  Honestly Tara I really don't have feelings for her like I do for V-girl.  I must have abandonment issues.

Speaking of V-girl.  After no communication with her for probably 4 months she messaged me a video for JP Sears He is a comedian that will be at the orpheum on September 15th. I looked at her profile picture and her cover picture and neither of them include the boyfriend.  it's just her and maybe her sister for the profile picture and her and her son for the cover picture. So you'll never believe this but the squirrel is really running in the squirrel cage now.  ?  The squirrel cage in my head.  The immediate thought is that her and her boyfriend broke up and she is wanting to see me at the show. There is no f****** way I am actually going to go to her Facebook page because I have been disappointed by her so many times now.

But Fuck! I was doing much better.  And oddly enough it was the event with Kelly that even helped me further put v girl in the background.  I was actually kind of thinking it was a good thing that Kelly had stopped or at least a lessened her communication with me.  It damn near put me in to the state I was back in 2005 2006 when I got back from Colorado. It was almost as if I felt in the groove again.

I guess these two are enabling me. Huh?

I don't know what the deal is with v girl. I mean why I am taken with her the way I am. On a superficial level she doesn't come close to the beauty of Wendy.  I can tell you I don't find her sexually attractive.  Oddly enough I actually didn't find Wendy sexually attractive.  I hope you know what I mean.  I think it is a good thing that I didn't find Wendy sexually attractive  The thing about sexually attractive women is they are usually trying to be sexually attractive.

All the other stuff about Valerie you know other than looks, I don't really find appealing either.  I actually don't even have any kind of fantasy in my head going on with her.  

There are some lyrics by my favorite band, Pink Floyd, that describe the situation: Was it love or just the idea of being in love.  Maybe that's it.  Wow.  How dismal is that?

Remember when you got the text from Acam. Not sure how you spell his name but my auto-correct automatically switched it to "Scam". Anyway we were at Coco's and you got the text and I told you wow that looked like you just injected yourself with heroine or something like that.  That is what her message was to me.

So here I am with "this". And "this" is: "She messenged me about the show. From her profile picture and her cover picture on Facebook she's not showing her boyfriend.  Maybe they broke up!  Maybe she wants to go to the show with me or at least see me at the show.".

  

Here is a reason why I probably shouldn't be thinking this.  Aside from the fact that it's all coming out of addiction.  I changed both my profile picture and my cover picture on FB.  My cover picture is of the mountains and my three boys over to the left.  It is a panoramic view. My profile picture is just of me.  She has not liked any of my posts for over four months.  However after the long hiatus she liked the cover picture photo but did not like the profile picture.  So as not to give me wrong information.  she likes the view and possibly the picture of my boys but she does not like the guy who posted them. Actually I am sure she likes me but not the kind of like that would signal affection.

So am I going to go to the show?  To see her and her boyfriend?  Uh yeah. . . I think that is a full on "Fuck no". She is clueless about my attraction to her or she is just really clueless.

End result.  I got another four months to get back to where I was a couple of days ago.

Hope you found this email entertaining.

Andy

Tara:

On 2019-08-23 20:23, Tara wrote:

You're reminding me of my Akaam days.  I'd think "Okay, now this is really over and he can't get to me anymore.  I'm through this time."  And I'd go along thinking i was through, I was a free woman!  But he was like a fisherman, letting me have a lot of line while I'd think I was untethered and free.  Then, after some period of time, he'd yank.  And I, with hook firmly planted in my mouth, would get dragged back....totally powerless.  Then the "incomprehensible demoralization" would set in.  I remember when I'd hear big book readings at AA mtgs during that time I always related them to the love addiction.  And, yeah, I remember well the evening he texted after my not hearing from him for a few weeks and your saying "The drug has been administered."  And you were dead right.

I think the saving grace of being with Wendy was that she made sure your contact was very structured.  It was paced pretty slow with lots of breaks in between, enough so to keep enmeshment from happening, but your time together was secure so it didn't leave you wondering from week to week.  I think it's that getting pulled in (sometimes with a lot of intensity) and then pushed away that gets our disease going.  I'm not sure what the deal is with V (HP stuff?), but I wonder if your recent stuff with Kelli has any enmeshment stuff to it.

Hope you have a good weekend up there!

L & L,

Tara

Me:

On Mon, Aug 26, 2019 at 12:54 PM wrote:

You wrote: "I'm not sure what the deal is with V (HP stuff?)"  to which I write, "Uh,. . . yeah?  no shit. Like I didn't just get off the recovery boat or wait would it be I didn't just get on the recovery boat?"  (just joking around)

The weekend went really well with my son.  I think I instant messaged you about how we had some really good in depth conversations.  We talked about my involvement with him and his brothers.  He told me that he understood but couldn't imagine how hard it must have been for me and that he thinks I am one of the strongest people he has ever met.  And he is comparing me with his scout leaders one of which is a super high powered environmental attorney and another who is a retired FedEx pilot and Navy fighter pilot.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing as he was telling me this.  He was so happy that he never pitted him or his brothers against his mom and that his mom didn't pit them against me.

He is really anxious about making it through school. We talked about women and girlfriends and that kind of stuff.  He said he really wants a relationship not just the sex.  He said that his generation is just into hooking up but he wants to get into a relationship instead of just fuck.  I think this is the same for Alex but he doesn't feel comfortable talking to me about it.

As far as I can tell all my three boys have really "got it going on"  What ever that means.

There is really so much more.  I am really grateful that I was able to spend the time with him.  He was really happy that he was able to spend the time with me.  I hope this kind of thing continues.  I probably won't see him until after the new year primarily because of money.

All that being said V-girl has once again become ever present on my mind. I wish there was a program for stuff like this.  A program for people who all they can think about is the other person or the relationship with that person or the idea of being in a relationship with that person - with sex too, of course.  I am trying to get my higher power involved here but the best I can do is communicating with you.  I mean after that message about JP Sears coming to town I keep thinking (really hoping) that she must have broke.  That is a total set up.  There is nothing special about her but somehow my head is fixated on her.

Oh well, must keep on trudging.  Off to turn my rental in and sit at the gate.

Andy

Tara: Aug 26 2019

Just got home and read both your msgs.  How cool that your kids appreciate you.  They're so fortunate to have you as their dad instead of some emotionally constipated disapproving father like many men have.  You have so much to offer them.  You're smart, funny, self-aware, put their needs first, and they can talk to you about anything under the sun.  An emotionally safe, trustworthy, really caring father.  How many men have that !?  Good for them and good for you!  How great that you got all that time with Adam.

I wonder if there is an SLAA mtg happening here these days.  I think a new one started up some time ago, but maybe it didn't fly.  You could, however, do phone mtgs.  I did a few of those a long time ago.  The info is on their website.

I would guess that obsessing about V keeps you from being where I am.  Off alone in the desert with no end to the emptiness in sight, trying to do what I can to feel like life without a mate,  without even a thought of a potential or desired mate, is enough.  It ain't for sissies. 

In Withdrawal

ME:

On Thu, Aug 22, 2019 at 8:38 AM wrote:

I won't be using messenger anymore or at least for a while.  I need to stay off facebook.  I have to put that in my inner circle.  It is driving me up the wall.  I keep going back to my phone or checking my e-mail to see if I have received a response from her.  So I have taken messenger off my phone and unsubscribed to notifications from facebook and messenger.  So I no longer need to look at my phone or my e-mail.  I just have to not go on facebook.

Why does this keep happening to me?

Signed

In withdrawal

Andy

Tara:

On 2019-08-22 09:47, Tara wrote:

What exactly happened?  You sent her a msg yesterday or the day before and she didn't answer?

I had this a few months ago, before ending any possibility of a romantic R with the MT guy.  He would back off in some way, not reply to something or take longer than usual to reply.  It would be something that I wouldn't think twice about if a regular friend or family member did it.  But he was in temporary HP spot in my life ( the one who determines my worth, my overall desirability as a partner to anyone, my acceptability as a human being to take up space on the planet, the one who could condemn me to irredeemable worthlessness with the roll of an eye), so everything he did or didn't do took on special importance.  I'd have to talk myself down from it every time I got triggered.

In the desert,

Tara

ME:

On Thu, Aug 22, 2019 at 10:55 AM <drew@sybillus.com> wrote:

I caved (or maybe not) but thinking that it might be something else other than me, I texted her, "Hope you are doing well."  If I don't hear back from that then I will know something is up.

Treading water

Andy

Tara:
Yeah. Most people don't have the appetite for talking about feelings that you and I have. Men often give a non-response response to having a feeling mentioned to them, especially if they aren't in program. Where are you at with Step 2? It seems like last time we talked about that kind of stuff, some time back, you didn't have much belief in anything left. It's something I've been working on lately, since I've had the "It's over" stuff in my face for awhile. Having some kind of non-human HP (even if it's not theistic) seems important since we are 100% powerless over this kind of addictive stuff (and pretty much everything else, too). Going to meet a sponsee now to do stepwork. I'm doing it alongside her, which seems like a good idea since I need all the recovery support I can get!

A cool down with Kelli

So Kelli has cooled down on sending me texts.  Usually I get a couple from her a day.  Now I don't get any unless I send her one.  Sometimes I will send her one and then have to send another to get a response.  I am thinking if this keeps up for a week or so I will have to go, as she puts it, "dark."

Okay, gotta be careful here.  Am I going to "purposefully" or rather with intent, "not message her"?  If this is the case then this is playing games.  I don't want to play games.  It would be okay if it were like last year where I this was not happening where we would message each other every day.

Yesterday was almost the first day where we might not have messaged each other.  At the end of the day I messaged her and asked if she was busy.  She said she wasn't really doing anything other than having instant message conversations with a bunch of people.  One of which was not me.

Okay, she said she "conversed with many."  Again, one of which was not me.  Then this morning nothing.  So I messaged her later in the morning and still nothing even though she was on line.  Usually she gets back with me fairly soon.  So it would appear that something may be starting up with someone else which is what I expected.  I mean I am 2000 miles away.

So I need to stay off face book and messenger and start to go dark.

Stopping with that line of fantasy story

Gonna stop with the whole "dragon business" feels really fucking stupid.

As far as the attack goes it really started around the fourth of July and is still going on.  It is strong and does not seem to be letting up.  I am sure I own half of it.  I know I own at least half of it.

Yes, I thought because I was creatively writing about it that it would lighten up.

ordered some "stuff" on line.

Ordered stuff on line.  The "stuff" I am referring to is of an adult nature.  It came in Friday as I was writing the last post.  It is the only thing I have received from UPS where I tracked it so closely that I got home just after the package was dropped off.  Immediately I started opening all the stuff up (two packages) and as I was doing that Mary Anne walked in and caught me in a rather compromised position.  I wasn't "in the act" of anything but I was getting kind of close.  I can't fucking believe I am writing this down.

She saw me half naked but I am not sure she had a grasp as to what was actually going on.  I told her that I was just doing laundry and trying to get ALL my cloths in.   I quickly put shorts on and cleared all my stuff off the table which she did not appear to inspect to closely.  I then ran it all into the bathroom.

One of the things I left out on the kitchen counter was a thing for.  uh. . . for.  uh. . cleaning personal parts of ones body.  You got it or do I need to spell it out for you?  If I have to spell it out for you I am afraid you are out of luck.

I don't know what is going on with me.  I know that other people go through this exact same thing.

Hubris

A man's been murdered

and another man has killed himself... 

...yet this boy remains silent.

What wanton hubris is this? 

Look at the previous 4 or 5 posts from earlier this week.  I feel like a complete fool.  This thing has made a fool out of me.  I was likening my addiction to the dragon fantasy.  I thought that by writing about it creatively I could really fight this thing and win!!!!

I thought, "I am writing about it and so .   .    .  yeah.   .   . I am writing about it.  Yeah man!!!! and so. . . . uh. . . . yeah."  Like some kinda teenage kid who has the world by the balls only to look back years later in complete bewilderment.

Thinking that we're getting older and wiser

When we're just getting old

In fact I confided in my therapist and was just about ready to tell her some of the worst.  And that very night after the appt (last Tues) I went completely off the rails.  I haven't met up with anybody yet but I have been soooooo fucking close.

Discovery

She was there and she knew she shouldn't be.  She was in the forest.  The forest ruled by her Dad - the God of steam and lightning.  The sun had set and any natural light had given way to the black velvet of night.  She could no longer contain her curiosity.  She knew what was in that forest.  She had heard the stories of the other children and she wanted to see for herself.  She had to find it.  She was eight years old and had no understanding of fear.  Fear to her was as unknowable as the color blue to a blind man.

That night as she passed the entrance into the forbidden lands she felt a slight cold and clammy mist over her face like the strand of a spiders silk.  And she thought she heard the hiss of a snake or some kind of reptile.  To somebody that understood, this would raise the hair on the back of their neck.  To somebody that understood, this would cause a shiver followed by cold then numb feet.  To somebody that understood this forest.  That somebody would turn around without hesitation, leave the forest, and not look back.  These feelings and thoughts were completely absent in the young girls being.  She continued deeper into the woods.  The darkness sucking her into the womb of night.

The once solid hard ground gave way to a soft and spongy moss covered earth.  Every once in a while there was the squish of water underneath followed by the suction when she pulled her foot upward.  At other times the spongy earth would feel hollow underneath and she could hear the dead air of decaying life being expelled from the ground followed by the smell of decaying vegetation and flesh. She could barely make out the silhouettes of the trees that were becoming thicker and now had vines hanging from them. There was no sound except for that of a slight continuous hiss.  There was no sound of running water like that of a stream or brook.  There were no insect sounds like crickets or the high pitch buzzing of millions of mosquito wings.  Every once in a while against the back drop of silence she could hear and feel the pitter patter or thumpity thump of a small animal scurrying over the moss covered forest floor.

Invisible in the darkness the howls and viscous barking erupted and came at her from every direction.  Stopping just short of her she feel the panting of warm damp air as the barking terror settled into restrained growling.  She could barely make out the muzzles of teeth loaded with flesh and blood that stood within inches of her body.  The smell of decaying and rotting flesh filled the black air.

She looked without understanding what she was seeing and continued on.  Immediately as she moved her first foot the frenzy of barking and the snapping razor teeth resumed as the animals descended into her flesh to tear her apart. But as each muzzle and fur covered face went in it evaporated into nothing.  The rest of the animals followed.  Wave upon wave the were sucked into her body until nothing was left.

The attack is done.  Once again I tried to do battle and lost.  Since then another has come and went and of course, I lost again as I always do.

I am sure soon she will get bored with me and move on.  I think she is just walking along with me until she finds something better.  To while away the days with me, I guess, she must find it somehow soothing.  I mean I must be of some value, Huh?  I am sure it will be just like Myra, Jenna, Victoria, and Valerie.  I can see they all made the best choices. . . . [a couple of seconds pass]. . . . . for me.

My number one goal in my life is fighting the Dragons of Hesse,  It is appearing that this will be my fight until I die either of old age, in an accident, in the jaws and fire breath of a dragon.  It is a world in which very few are privy. It is a world in which very few can see.  Nevertheless it is a world that is very real.   The dragons do live.  The dragons are real.  They can fly and breath fire and kill en masse.  They can surgically isolate their victim. and attach with methodical and measured precision.  They can attack for years with methodical measured deliberation until they need not use teeth, jaws, fire or talons.  They leave it for the victim to finish the job.

I first met the dragons when I was four years old.  It was in the far corner of the forbidden forest.  "Well, what were you expecting?  The entrance of the allowable forest or permissible forest?"  My parents were off doing other stuff and my sister whispered me away.

"Come here, I need to show you something!" She said,  "Quick - before mom and dad come back and want to know where we are!" 

With all the innocence that a four year old can have I followed.  I think I remembered sensing a hint of danger as she tried to coax me away.  The forest was dark and only my parents went there.  It was always cool and seemed to have a musty smell to it.  Entrance into the forest was by invitation only.  Rarely was I invited and it never really mattered until that day.  That forest was not of this world and both my sister and I knew it.

My sister was four years older than me and she had already ventured in and seen it.  But she had not really see it.  She actually had no idea what she was looking at.  Well she did but it didn't effect her but she knew it would effect me and she wanted to see how.


It was actually my sister who introduced them to me.  We met in my mom and dad's room.  My sister saw them too but she had no idea what she was looking at.  As soon as I saw them I experience a change in me.  My sister saw the change and she kind of laughed.  For me there was no laughing.  And as for the dragons, they weren't laughing either.

We went to the far corner of my mom and dad's bedroom.  In that far corner was filing cabinet. It was one of two where upon door lay flat to make a desk. There was the filing cabinet in the far corner and another at the other end of the door.  She opened the top drawer of the two drawer filing cabinet.  She pulled it out until it could be pulled no further.  She put her hand all the way to the back and then pulled it back out.  With it came a tremendous amount of smoke that had no smell.  It was almost like steam but it had real substance.  The particles of the steam did not dissipate or vanish.  In stead, the particles began to connect to one another making solid where once there was only air.  It took just a matter of seconds until all the particles connected and became two distinct masses suspended in space in my mom and dad's room.

They looked very much like "Puff" the magic dragon or rather an artist's conception of Puff. That is all I knew from the folk song by Peter Paul and Mary that my dad was listening to at the time.  I was awestruck.  The room became very big and my sister and I became very small.  My sister couldn't see it - any of it.  She didn't see the huge eyes.  She didn't see the massive mouths, the teeth, and the wings.  The wings.  The dragons seemed to be floating but they were not.  Their wings were flapping in full stroke



The wings seemed to be flapping in slow motion They were in the air because they were flapping their mighty scale covered wings.

I wasn't scarred at all.  Instead I was in awe.  I stood their transfixed on the two behemoths that floated in front of me.  And then simultaneously in one coordinated bellows they pulled in what must have been half the air in the room and expelled it back out with blue then yellow then orange flames that filled the room.  I did not move but just stood.  That is how I met Penlot and Rombuchuana.

Then in one of the most improbable moves I have ever seen, my sister simply grabbed at them with one hand no less and they turned to back into the steam that was really smoke.  The smoke collapsed back in on itself.  Then in one motion put it all back into the filing cabinet.  And then she closed the drawer.  The room lay just as it did moments before as if nothing ever happened.  Except for me standing looking ridiculous - like my pants were down around my ankles.

All my sister could see was my reaction.  I knew she had no idea what I saw.  She knew I saw something that was beyond her and she stood their mortified.  We both left the room.  Quiet and somber.  Penlot and Rombuchuana would be back.  The war lie waiting.














Penlot and Rombuchana were their names.

Some thoughts on "How the Mind Works" by Steven Pinker

1.)  A lot of species plateau. for 100's of  millions of years.

2.) The end result of evolution is not necessarily Intelligence.

Under Attack

Without provocation (or maybe with?) I am under complete attack.  It is fucking fierce.  It just seemed to come on. I had just completed writing about the last system for this manual I am working on and was beginning to start make screen shots isolating these various systems to complement the descriptions.  And then out of the clear blue sky I could hear the whooshing in the distance and then there they were.

It is said that the best way to fight them is to not engage, but I did.  Once the engagement starts I always end up getting burned.  Just as I feel as though I am winning, I lose horribly.  I lay there naked and torn to pieces.  A lot of times I get up and engage again and the might dragons are all too willing to come back.  This can happen up to nine to ten times until I am completely spent, empty with only a hollow shell.

The attack today is huge.  I feel as though I am ready to engage completely without a thread of armor.  My best bet now is to engage but not fully.

I think I avoided complete engagement and thus complete annihilation.  I did get reinforcements.  Kelli came into help.  We are talking right now.  Strategizing.  She is but doesn't know it.  I think they come for her too but she is always able to avoid the attack by doing what she is doing now and that talking with me or talking with other people or being with other people.  Me on the other hand I can't seem to get an army together.  I am kind of stranded.

The killer thing is they can show up right now as I am talking with her.  I have engaged even while talking with her.  I actually find myself inviting them in.  I miss them and when they are gone for a while I want them to come back.

This is a problem.

The beauty of it all

For Anton, it was always all so beautiful.  They were beyond him.  They were there for him to worship.  He felt it was ordained on high that he worship them.  The great dragons.  The fire, the wings. the tails, the power.  The reason for his existence was the great fire breathing dragons of Zeundeachin.  When Anton looked at the dragons he saw nothing but beauty and grace.  This would change.

Listen!

The waves.  the water.  the rocks, The cold.  The taste of salt.  His eyelids parted. The sea spray blurred his vision. He looked up.   “I am still alive.  Really?” He thought.  “Fuck!”  Alone.  No remnants of his ship.  The crew gone.  The unkindest cut.  The pain rushed in,  His scream came without thought or provocation.  Just pain. That is all.  The pain gave way to the scream.  Consciousness was absent.  And the scream came.  And no one cared to hear!

Dieter, why?

The Dragons

They are coming in again.

“Ernie, I need another drink.  He said as he looked at the cat Laying on his satchel of tricks.  It appeared there weren’t any tricks in the satchel at this time that would ward off Dieter.  Pronounce Dee Tah.  Not Dee ter.  People pronouncing this Dee ter will be kicked to death by an Antifa squad!  Ernie gave him the bottle again.  He took a swig and listened as the woosh of Dieter’s wings thrashed through the air.  The hut shook. The air inside pulsed followed by a flash of yellow orange heat.

He couldn’t help it.  He loved Dieter and Dieter knew it. Dieter loved him.  However, both of them would have no qualms about killing each other if necessary but Dieter needed Anton so there was no fucking way Dieter would vaporize his hut.  Another woosh and a blast of air sending the fishermen on the shore into the sea.

Anton on the other hand loved Dieter and Dieter was like family even more so than his father who called him a dumb shit and a worthless bastard.  Dieter was like Anton’s son.

Aber ich liebe Dieter.  He cried with out stretched arms as Dieter fell wingless into the abyss

[It looks like our hero’s name is Anton.  Wendy’s name will be Mischa.  So it would appear that our names will be Russian.   By the way Wendy, you are the super super hero in this story]

Crazy

The next couple of posts are just fodder, some ramblings and some metaphorical fanatasy for some type of book that I might write.  Don’t laugh one day it will come out and I’ll make it into a monster, that is, if we all pull together as a team.  It starts out with me helpless in a cage.

Remember slot cars?  Remember how if they got going too fast they would fly off the track when they went around a curve.  Well, I am out on the wasteland known as the carpet upside down with my wheels spinning.  I need something to put me back on the track. Tonight was kind of a doozy.  I am not going to go into the details of it but it is bad and I spent $12 and something on this thing.  And this thing is not good.

I sit here in this cage
except I don’t sit.
I climb around the bars frantically
And then I settle on that thing
That thing I must not do.
But I do it.
But I need more than just that thing
I look toward the extreme
And then I head that direction
Putting one foot in front of the other
The motion is deliberate and smooth
I can’t turn my head away
My eyes don’t stare without blinking
They dry out and I don’t even notice
But now I am calm

Yeah, this is supposed to be a poem.  It is not very imaginative.  But ya know I am an engineer.  I am not sure if the dragons have flown away yet.  I don’t hear them.  I still like the dragon analogy.  Here we go!

The dragons came in tonight and they were furious.  They saw he was week and struck like lightning.  Awe Fuck! I can still hear them.  I need something for my constitution Ernie.  Ernie handed him the bottle and he slugged it down and then without missing a beat he went outside again.  He couldn’t help it.  He had to go outside and do battle.  The jitters went away or at least subsided. He watched them fly by.  “They’ll be back. I just hope not tonight!  Oh Mische, I am sorry! and then the words came out of his mouth without warning and without thought.

Weiter Gehen, Er sagt. Es tut mir so leid, Meine Liebste Mische!  Weiter Gehen!  His voice crashed though the air like thunder!

“Weiter Gehen.”

He looked back and she was gone.  He would never see her again.

Mische, If I was in fact your knight in shining armor, my armor wasn’t actually that shinny.  And you can see now that if you had stayed I would have not been able to fend off the dragons.  They were coming back for me and have arrived.  Perhaps you knew this. I hope you did and took care of yourself.  You knew the dragons would never leave though.  But you also knew I would fight.  So here I am. and you just watched yet another battle.

Both of us came from the land of the ice and the snow.  (Hey just like Led Zeppelin.)  You especially.  Remember how I told you I was a viking.  Well here ya go!  Except one thing about the vikings, they may have done their fair share of raping pillaging and plundering what ever the fuck that means but they also did their fare share of surviving.  Which is why I met you in September of 2004.  Turns out time happens instantaneously.  I am yours Mische.  I always was and I always will be.

He laid there on the rock as the waves washed over his naked and cut up body.  He looked toward the now empty sky where once the storm of dragons flew and said,

“Ich war es immer und ich werde es immer sein.  Du bist meine Prinzessin Mische! Du bist meine Prinzessin!“

He closed his eyes and lost consciousness but he was far from dead.

I will keep fighting them.  I am not going to give up.  I will lose battles for sure.  Just like I did tonight.  But I will continue to fight.  I will use what ever I can.  I will use crutches. I will cheat if necessary.  And I am sure I will die fighting.  And after I die I will see you again and the story will continue.  Don’t give up on me my princess.

Ernie watched from above.  All he could think was “You deluded fuck!”  Never-the-less he would help no matter what.

He woke the next day to see a blue sky.  The dragons came in to play as they often did.  Usually, being too tired he would lay there and just take it.  The dragons that came in in the morning were young.  He did not have the will to fight the young ones.  Fore once there was a time when he was one of them.

“Okay, so Ernie, I’m gonna need your help here.  Is there anyway you can give me a heads up on when they are coming in.”

The mighty breath of fire!  The power.  The seduction.  Those great wings.  The air they pushed away as they moved through.  The whoosh that left him breathless.  He loved them as soon as he saw them.  Although he had no wings, no scales, no eyes that could see forever, and a breath that produced just warm damp air he felt he was one of them.  He wanted so desperately to be one of them.  And they knew it.

The ice. The water. And, the fire.  The fire was warm.  This is really all he knew. At four years old he still couldn’t talk.  The elders of the village began to do just that – talk.  His father began to worry.  But he saw the fire.  He saw the smoke as it left the fire and realized that the smoke was just fire without the glow.  He continued to observe without a spoken word and the elders began to judge.  And his father began to act.

“You dumb shit!  You worthless bastard!”  he yelled at him.  In extreme frustration his father yelled at his mother saying, “Look at him just sitting there.  He’s a fucking idiot.”  And all he could do was sit on the stone terrified at his father.

Ah but Mortimus was watching.  “I think we have one.” he said to Claris.  (Pronounce Claudees) “Look at him.  His father is a fool!  This little one is far from an idiot.  He will ride us!  Can’t you see that, my dear Claris.  He will show us where to go.  He will show us where the heart is.  This young one will be mighty.  This young one will not only guide us but will worship us.  He will give us the key to destroy their world!”

But Claris could see this.  She could see even farther than Mortimus how valuable this little two legged creature without wings and without fire in his breath could and would be!

The winged serpents could see everything.  They could produce anything.  They could produce something that looked like “love”.  Oh, it wasn’t love but it sure did look like it.

Just a broken guy

"Just a broken guy, got a few screws loose, I guess. Never really knew it until now. Just, y'know."  were probably the most stunning words between Richard Russell and ATC that day.

Okay, I may have had something to drink.

Reckoning:

The sadness of the past is gone
Wiped clean by the dream of a new relationship
The flames of loss, regret, remorse, and despair
smothered with the fantasy of a new love

Sand and dirt hastily kicked over smoldering branches and twigs.
Smoke; just fire without the orange glow
continues to rise around the edges and on the fringes
The newly displaced earth starts to warm

The voice in my head said, "You will deal with this."

Go back and look.

Look at the entries for December of 2015 and early 2016.  Look at the entries for Mar see uh.  Look at the entries for Jenna, Victoria and Valerie.  Okay there might not be entries for all of them.  Anyway just look back where your mind has been.

Look at Barbara and now Kelli.

You will deal with this.  I will see to it that you do.  You can try to hide behind the pornography, prostitutes and same sex fantasies.  You can hide behind your silly mountains, behind your hikes up Elden, behind your drives to Boulder.  You can try to hide behind your German language learning but I will still be there.

I will be there.  I am patient.  I have all the time in the universe.  I have nowhere else to be.  I can wait.  You will deal with this.

Unless of course, you die.

Okay but how?

No,  Really?  How?  How the fuck will I deal with this?

Give me a fucking clue.

Throw me a fucking bone will you.

Okay, I will deal with it.

Show me because right now I have no idea what the fuck you are talking about.  Seriously, Deal with “this.”

What the fuck is the "this" of which I must deal.

What the fuck is “this”?  What is the “this” of which I must deal.

Okay,  So I will deal with this.

Who the fuck are you anyway.  Who is the “you” that will be there.  Who is the “you” that is patient, the”you” that has all the time in the universe, the you that has nowhere else to be, the you that can “wait”  Who the fuck are you!

Who are you and what is the "this"?

Okay, so there is a “you” that is telling me that “I will deal with “this”  and then there is this “this” thing of which I must deal?

Once again, “YOU” are going to have to throw me a bone here.  I mean something.  Maybe I understood it before.  Maybe I understood it just before Wendy.  But I fucking lost it.  I have no idea who the fuck “you” are and what the fuck “this” is.

I am sitting here hearing voices in my head.  Okay, hearing a voice in my head and talking about a thing with which I must deal.

I am gonna go out on a limb here and hypothisize as to what the consequence might be if don’t deal with this.  After all, why should I deal with this.  Why on earth do you say, “You” as in me will deal with this.

It has to do with the pornography, prostitutes and same sex fantasies?  It has to do with Valerie in my head all the fucking time?  Mostly it has to do with Valerie in my fucking head all the fucking time?  Is this what you are talking about?  Is this WHY I will be dealing with the thing called “this”?

Does dealing with “this” mean striking a deal? or does it mean resolving the “this.”

I got a headache.  I’m going to bed.  But yeah, sure, I will deal with “this.”?  (a smiley face emoji would go good right here)