All is well for the most part.  My blood pressure has been creeping up over the years and it is probably getting time to do something about it.  I have been riding my bike into work (about a 10 mile ride one way). This does not seem to be helping though.  I think I am going to have to start taking a pill for it. My mom had a problem with high blood pressure so I am kind of sensitive to it.

I had a cornea transplant in 2005 and for some reason it is starting to reject.  Actually, I know the reason.  I was supposed to be putting a drop of anti-rejection stuff (Pred Forte) in my eye once every other week. I kinda forgot for about 3 years.  So I am putting the drops back in and some other stuff and it appears to be on the mend.  I just can't use a contact in that eye for a while. Doing something as trite as putting one eyedrop in once everyother week takes more discipline than one would think.

The kids are doing great.  Alex is a skateboard fanatic and is becoming a guitar fanatic as well.  He is playing songs I wished I could play at his age.  He is not bashful about singing either which I think is really cool.  Adam, is collecting scrap metal and selling it to the scrap metal dealer down in Denver.  All the kids kind of follow what Alex does so Adam went out and bought an electric guitar and amp.  He told me, "Yeah, I had some extra money I did not know what to do with so I bought a guitar and amplifier this weekend."  Rodney is in third grade and is doing well.  He follows what his brothers do so I don't really have any interesting stories here but he is very concerned that I live near "volcanoes" and wants me to vacate the area as soon as I can.  Flagstaff is located in what was a highly volcanic area about a thousand years ago.  I told him the volcanoes were not active.  This piece of information did not have any impact.

Going to a highschool football game

Going out meant you had to be on.  Everybody would be there with something funny and whitty to say.  I was never that person - the funny quick and whitty one.  I was never a "popular guy."  These issues seem to be coming up in my group therapy.

Oh, did I tell you I am back in group therapy.  yeppers.  Anyway that is a topic for another entry.

10 true things

I woke up this morning and really wanted sex.

I met with my sponsee at Denny's this morning.
It was a good talk.
I told him about my indiscretions of yesterday.
The indiscretions of yesterday scare me. They are warning signs.

The dis - ease is less today so I deleted what was here.

Three Years Ago Today

Three years ago today

It was three years ago today Carrie asked if we could be "more than just friends."  We had just got done watching "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind."  I sat in the rocker and she sat on the couch.  It was something we decided to do as friends.  I had come over to do landscaping in the front yard. We were going to watch the movie and then I was going to do the landscaping.

However, after the movie was over she said there was something she needed to tell me.  I thought she was going to tell me that we shouldn't be watching a movie together like this and I should get out there and do the landscaping and in fact I don't even think it is a good idea that you are doing the landscaping.  I want you to leave and I do not want to see you at the Saturday night meeting anymore.

I actually tried to preempt her and tell her that, "Yeah I know I need to be out there doing the landscaping this was nice and everything but I'll go now.  There was a lot more that I said but she kind of cut me off and said, "I probably shouldn't be asking you this and I know I am breaking the rules but would you be interested in being more than just friends."  At the time, we were and still are attending Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.  We both had been attending the meeting for four years and three days - but who was counting.  In the opening it says, "This is not a place to meet sexual or emotional partners."  When she asked me if I wanted to be more than just friends she was prepared to give up the meeting.  It turns out her birthday is also on the 14th of September.

I was dumbfounded.  The idea of her and I being in a relationship was taboo.  In fact, I wouldn't even acknowledge that I was attracted to her.  I don't refer to her in this blog until a year after we have been together.   The notion just seemed so far out of reach it was ludicrous.  It was about a year prior to us getting together that I did start acknowledgeing to friends that I kind of had a crush on her.  That was probably in the fall of 2007.  I wasn't really writing much in this blog.  My last entry was in Oct of 2007 I think.  I only put in eleven entries in 2008 the last one being in June which was two and half months before the "big day."

I had been on match dot com and oh God did that ever suck.  I just couldn't see my way to being with any of the women on there.  I talked with a couple prospects over the phone, set up times to meet, but  both canceled at the last minute.  I was grateful.  I always kept coming back to Carrie - the woman that was off limits.  I would talk to Frank about her.  I would talk with Jay about her and I would talk with JD about her.

During the fall of 2007 she was working down south and there was this guy that was making "lots" of appointments.  Carrie is an NP by the way.  This guy became known as "Alaska Guy" because he lived in Alaska at various times during the year.  He made a number of overtures to her, would bring in baked goods for her and the staff and finally asked her out on a date I think.  Carrie told him that she would have to "not see him professionally" for at least six months before she would consider going out with him.  He did this and on the first day after the six month wait he called her.  There was some kind of wierd interaction and Carrie called me about this interaction to see how she should interperet it.  This would have been around May of '07.  This also would have been my oportune time to say, "You need to get away from this guy!  He is bad news!  You should spend more time with me!" and so on and so forth.  Instead I told her that the behavior was, in fact, wierd but he may be just trying to save face or something like that.  I did not try to interfere.  What I thought would happen would be that she would get into a relationship with this "Alaska Guy" and then every Saturday night I would have to hear about her trials and tribulations of the relationship with the "Alaska Guy."  

Also at the same time another person, Terrie, in the "Saturday night" group was getting hot and heavy into a relationship and that relationship was becoming quite addictive.  Actually, around the time of  "Alaska Guy" it became addictive enough that Terrie was only making a meeting about once every other month or so.  There were four of us in the Saturday night group, Peter, Terrie, Carrie, and me.  Peter was coming maybe once a month around this time.  So by the summer of 2008 it was just Carrie and me going out afterwards.  The "Saturday night" after the meeting group was becoming less of a group.

It was in May of 2008 that it finally happened where both Peter and Terrie dropped out enough that it left only Carrie and I.  Terrie showed up for the meeting that evening and said she would be leaving half way through because she had some sort of  "spiritual stuff" to do.  I knew exactly what kind of "spiritual stuff" was going on.  To be honest, I think I really did give her the benefit of the doubt but she later came clean and validated my suspicions.  I mean come on!  We are in SLAA and she's getting more and more into this relationship.  Apparently the act of sex when practiced by more enlightened people is "spiritual."  It later turned out that Terrie basically gave up her soul for this "spiritual zen master" who in my opinion knew nothing of Zen.   Okay, I am digressing.  So I knew it was just Carrie and me and came to the realization that I would just go home after the meeting.  But right after Terrie announced she had to leave to go have se.  .  . uh I mean  for her Spiritual EXperience, Carrie asked if I still wanted to go out afterwards.  I said very disinterestedly,  "Yeah, sure I guess - didn't really have anything else going on."  I think I just said, "Okay."  I was kind of giddy.

We went out afterwards.  As we sat down the first words out of my mouth were, "Wow, this feels kind of like a date."  I had no idea what we would talk about and I sort of couldn't wait to get the whole thing over with for fear of the "long awkward silence."  I don't really remember what we talked about but must of managed to come up with something.  Because we found ourselves alone after the meeting a number of times after that.  In fact, we started calling each other in advance to see if the other would be there and available to go out afterwards.

One of the things we talked about was me doing the landscaping which I finally started around July of 2008. I remember going to the Landscape Connection to pick out rock to lay down.  I remember she got a trash bin out front that I raked up all the bark and wood chips that were laid down.  And finally I started spreading the ground cover and laying down the rock.  Which then led up to September 14th of 2008 when she asked if I wanted to be more than just friends.  After a lot of stammering and yammering I finally said, "The answer to that question would be yes."  We then consummated the newly proclaimed "coupledom" with a hug.  A kiss would come two weeks later on a trip to Jerome.

I left her house and went back to Kachina where I was living and told my roommate.  I couldn't believe what  had just happened. I took a shower and then drove back into town for the 6:00 pm meeting at the Quaker meeting house.  Just past the I-40 interchange I took the picture shown at the beginning of this post.  That is how our relationship started.

There is so much more to the story.

 

Gray Day on the Hill

It is a gray day on the hill.  It has been cloudy and rainy for about the last 6 or so days and it is starting to get to me.  I can't really ride my bike.  It kinda sucks.

Okay, how about this.

It was a gray day on the hill, which is a reference the locals use to point out that they live on the highest swell of land in the state.  It is a point of fact that the area is remnants of a super volcano that blew its top similar to Mt St Helens did in the 80's.  The "blowing" took place about a hundred thousand years ago.   The other part about "hill" is that it is around 6000 feet higher than the lowest part of the state which makes it significantly cooler.  While temperatures down in the valley sore to 110 plus degrees, temperatures on the hill might only make it to the mid-seventies.  So it was on this day that it was 103 degrees in the valley and it only made it to 68 up on the hill.  However, it appeared to be gray all over the state.

The day started out with a bang, literally.  Okay, lots of bangs and bright flashes of light.  It all seemed to sound good until he realized that he would not be able to ride his bike into work.  It felt good to sleep in but I wouldn't be able to ride my bike.

Decision

The decision was made to stay here and not go back.  The decision was made on Sunday - two days ago.  This morning I was at my sponsor's house and I got the call for the offer.  I was able to kind of preempt him and tell him that I would not be able to accept any offer and that was it.  It is done.  After seven years I think I finally made the commitment to move to Flagstaff.

This ends roughly seven weeks of agonizing about what I should do.  It was an incredibly hard decision.  It was the most painful decision I have ever had to make in my life.  I wish I could put together the words that could describe how difficult and painful it was but I can't.  I am just not that good with words as you can see from this blog.

Note to self:

Don't make the decision out of fear

Don't make the decision out of fear my sponsee said.  "Know that God will take care of you."  This coming from a guy I am sponsoring.  I should be saying this to him.  Well, the fact of the matter is neither of us are fully committed to the "Know that God will take care of you." thing.  It has just been both of ours experience. We have had experience with God taking care of us.

So he said this to me at breakfast this morning.  I wanted to remember it so I wrote it down on my hand.

I really do not want to move away from Flag Town.  I am completely torn.  I feel like I should move to be with my kids.  The decision is coming up and I will be going through several days of pure hell.

Looking down both roads

and wondering which way to go.  A major cross roads is at hand.  It's been coming and uh coming. It is so anticlimactic!

No matter which decision I make I am going to piss off a number of people.  There is no doubt, I will feel emotional pain.  I could be saying good bye to what I know is a really good job.  I could be saying good bye to the opportunity to be with my kids as they grow up.

See you can't say this stuff on facebook.  Its all just a bunch of fluff.  Superficial shit.  "Oh look at me!  look at how good my life is!  Look at all the wonderful things happening to me!  Look at me my hair is purple now!!!"

"Oh, your purple hair makes me so wet!  Can I be next in line to fuck you!"

"Okay, after I fuck my ex-girlfriend.  She doesn't know about this so we'll have to keep it on the down low."

"That's okay . .  .

I am off the rails.  Anything not to look at the cross roads.  Anything!

Look at it.  Look at it.  don't fear

Facebook

Facebook makes me feel like such a looser.   I have like 23 friends.  All of those friends have like at least four hundred friends. All of them are telling each other how good everybody else looks with sexual innuendo.  What the fuck!  And one of my friends who just became single is fucking a different woman every night.  I finally had to tell him to stop telling me about it.  He fucks his ex every third or fourth fuck.  I know.  I know.  I am using "fuck" way too much.  Sorry.  But nobody is reading this anyway.  That's really okay.  I have to remember that this is for me.  All the crazy jumblings in my head.

Sounds like someone is a little jealous and bitter.

Yeah, well fuck you.  You're right.  I am jealous that all his little girl friends on facebook are fawning over him.  I have to admit that.  But the other thing I know, and this probably sounds like sour grapes, is that he is living a tormented life.  (I was going to say "fucked up life")  He is where I was 5 to 6 years ago.  And I have to say getting purple hair is far better than going 40 thousand dollars into debt - which is what I did.  But then again he is still having sex with the ex and I am betting that they will be getting back together again.  And why am I obsessing on it so much. . .

Facebook is a total ego junkie orgy.

I lived in my ego and got blown away.

More on the winds of change

I have a decision coming up to stay or to go and I do not know what I will do.  I am sitting here trying to make a decision without all the information.  I mean I have not gotten the "offer." yet.  I am expecting it will come tomorrow.  It would be great if they would decide for me as in, "We've decided not to extend you an offer."  That would really feel like rejection but I would get it.

Making the decision means letting go of something.  Making the decision means making a choice and whatever I choose means I am not choosing the other thing.  It means I will be loosing something.

I honestly did not think it would come to this!

I am so fucking tired.  I had to leave work early today just to come home to sleep.

Oh God, please help me.

The Winds of Change and JD's winds of change

are a blowin'.  Change! What change.

I am contemplating a huge life change.  A move again - 700 miles back across the Rockies.  I can't think or concentrate on my work at hand.  This is why I am writing in this stupid fucking blog instead of doing my work.  God help me!

Dude, I wish my life change was as simple as coloring my hair purple.  Instead it is leaving all I have come to know in sobriety behind and going to a new place alone.  You say you are doing a "big" life change?  wooooo! whoooo!   Look the fuck out!   Gettin purple hair!  Sayin good bye to the girl friend accept for when you fuck her every couple of weeks or so sometimes its every couple of days .  To me, it only looks like the only thing that has changes is your purple hair.  You now have purple hair when you fuck her.

Change would be if you blocked her e-mail, phone, facebook and whatever the fuck else you contact her with. Change would be if you actually stopped communicating with her.  But alas, your ego needs satisfaction and when she runs after you it feels so fucking good!

Okay, I'm done.

Gone

Occasionally,  he would go back to where he last saw her but she was gone.

Although she wasn't there he could tell she would visit this place occasionally.  Everytime she was there she would leave a picture and everytime it was a different one.  She also left a message that read, "I hate life."

He didn't know why he would occasionally go back but really he knew and just did not want to admit it.  He had a thing for her.  For a period, of maybe four or five months, they walked through the wreckage together, wreckage that each of them seperately created.  Unfortunately just by the fact that they walked together they ended up adding to the firestorms and chaos that was already going on.

They had to split.

He thought he would visit the place one last time but deep down inside he knew he'd be back - back to the place that was once her rise above but had become just shits and digs.

Yeah, he'd be back.

Is it time yet?

He had been in out of the rain for a while.  The warmth of the fire felt good.  He had built something.   He had been away from the nightmare for five years now.  During that time he had built a shelter.  There was nothing palacial or elegent about it.  It was simple and at first it just kept the rain off his head and allowed him to get warm.

In the early days he was so grateful just to be out of the rain.  He had gotten some distance from the accident but yet he could still see the waxing and waining glow of the fires in the distant as the rain continued to fall.  The rain never stopped.  The yellow orange glow in the distance served as a constant reminder of the wreckage.  But after some time that glow that filled the night sky dimmed until one evening as he was snuggling under the covers he looked out and realized that not only had the rain stopped the there was not orange light reflecting off the clouds in the distance.

He had no idea how long it had been other than it seemed like years.  It took years for the fires to die down.  As he thought about it, there must have been a tremendous amount of fuel to keep them going all this time.  And indeed the amount of fuel was staggering and the fires had been going on for years unabated.

Even after the sky no longer flickered with golden yellow light the fires persisted and he knew this.  He knew they were still there just not strong enough to illuminate the night sky.  He could still smell.  He hadn't gotten quite far enough to escape the sickening smell.  He had set up what he thought would be a temporary shelter.  He vowed he would stay just for a few days and move on.  But he was tired and the days turned into weeks, the weeks to months and then the months collected themselves into two years.

One morning he woke up to a clear blue sky and realized he could not remember the last time he saw the brownish green haze or that "burn" smell.  He looked back in the direction from which he had traveled two years ago and wondered what was there.

At first it felt like he was being shocked in his stomach followed by slight nausea.  He didn't think too much about it at first but a month later it returned.  The feeling was more than a slight shock, now it was a hard tightening in his lower abdomen as if he was being punched in the gut in slow motion followed by a loss of breath.  He did not even realize he was not breathing.  The feeling started to return frequently.  It would happen at randomn times accept for Sunday's.  On Sunday, he could count on it.

He began to realize that this would come on everytime he looked back in the direction of the wreckage or even think about it.  And finally it occurred to him that didn't the night mare happen on a Sunday.

He had to leave.  Didn't he have any other choice?   He began to notice that he was rationalizing with himself everytime the queezy feeling and loss of breath would come on.  He was actually arguing with some one but did not know who.

"I mean there was nothing else I could do!  To stay there meant certain death!  Right?  The place wasn't safe.  I mean how long had the fires burned?"  He would think to himself everytime the feeling came on.  Just stay here and you'll be alright.  Deep down inside, he knew what this meant but only at an emotional level.  He couldn't actually enunciate in his head let alone out loud what he understood to be true at the gut level.

Let's take the boat out.

Wait until darkeness

Let's take the boat out

Wait until darkness comes.  .  .  .

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Looking down on empty streets

all she can see
are dreams all made solid
are dreams all made real.

This is kind of what I do for a living.  I design machinery.  It's nice and it is really nice when it works.  Alot of times it doesn't work (right off the bat)

All of those buildings
All of those cars
were once just dream in somebody's head

She pictures the broken glass she pictures the steam
she pictures a soul
with no leak at the seam.

Will I be back on the street? Mercy street that is.  .  .

If you're going through hell. . .

Keep going

I'm going through hell.  Once again.  The hell of it is. hmmm ha ha.   Okay, the hell of it is, is that I may have to make a decision that is going to change my life drastically - again.  This time I am trying to really think it through and it doesn't seem to be working.  Thinking for me never has really worked out.

I love this place that I have come to know as home.  I love the people I know here.  I mean I think I actually really love the people I know here.  How could this possibly happen any where else.  I can't even concieve of it.  This was some how special.  This place is some how special, unique, can not be duplicated.  (Am I being redundant?)

They say, "they" being my group and various friends say, "Go, you need to be with your kids!"  "They" don't really understand.  The drama continues.  I still haven't heard anything yet. . .

Pain

I don't seem to be able to write unless I am in a lot of pain.  Three posts in 2010.  No posts yet this year until this one.  I had to update some stuff on my server and it caused me to look at a blogging program offered by them.  I also saw Julie and Julia in which the main character writes a blog about Julia Childs.  It got me thinking about doing the blog some more.  So here I am.

In 2006 I did 164 entries.  I was in a lot of pain back then.  I would look at other peoples' blogs and see that their last entries were over a year old and wonder what the hell!  Why did they stop?  How could they stop blogging.  And now here I am haven't blogged in over a year.

Part of it is, is: "Who the hell cares?"  Who the hell cares what I have to say?  I did get an anonymous comment from someone who wrote that they were glad to see I was still writing.  This of course really appeals to my ego!  And this inspires me to write some more.  The comment was from my last post which I had done over a year ago.  The comment was left, I think July 17 of this year.

Today my life is much more boring.  I am much less pissed off about stuff - I mean much much less pissed off about stuff.  I am not in the pain of a divorce.  I am in a boring relationship.  This is a good thing.  On the relationship front boring is good!  We love and respect one another which makes for very low drama.

However, I have has some stuff come up in the last year that I could probably write about.  And I also have some stuff going on write now that might be interesting.  .  .

Kary's Story on CaringBridge.com

It was only one hour ago

It was all so different then
There's nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
It's just the way that you would tied in
Now there's no-one home

I grieve for you
You leave me
'so hard to move on
Still loving what's gone
They say life carries on
Carries on and on and on and on

The news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
While the final rattle rocks it's empty empty cage
And i can't handle this

I grieve for you
You leave me
Let it out and move on
Missing what's gone
They say life carries on
They say life carries on and on and on

Life carries on
In the people i meet
In everyone that's out on the street
In all the dogs and cats
In the flies and rats
In the rot and the rust
In the ashes and the dust
Life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

It's just the car that we ride in
A home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
And life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

Did I dream this belief?
Or did i believe this dream?
Now i can find relief
I grieve

I Grieve - Peter Gabriel

Toyota Prius stuck acceleration is a hoax!

It is a hoax.  Unless they can actually duplicate the problem there is no way anybody can prove the driver did not have his foot on the accelerator the whole time!  Just too coincidental folks!

This has got to be one of the greatest all time scams.  What about neutral.  Is it possible to put the car into neutral?  I bet we will start seeing accelerating Priuses all over the place!  Wish I'd thought of it!

The 11th or the 12th

For the record, Rodney's birthday is on the 12th.

Please don't forget it!!!!!

Laser Engraver

The laser engraver is back up and running.  I made the Star of David for Wendy and made one of the cards for Brian

What She Wants - ex wife

"Transparency."  She was always good with the buzzwords. Trans pairrrr ennn seee.

Okay, here is my side of the street.  And there is "my side of the street."  My side of the street is that I would say stuff to her like, "I will be unavailable for the next week."  when I would be going to Mexico.  "She said if your trying to spare my feelings, please don't. This is just annoying." Actually in this case I was not trying to spare her feelings. . . at all.  I have to admit that in the case of going to Mexico, I did this to make it a bit of a "mystery." (hush!, quiet!, don't let anybody know!") to make her wonder. "Hmmm? what's he up to?"    Of course all this did was make her pissed.

Does she actually not trust me.  I don't think so.  I think she is just pissed.  I think she does not trust me to act like an adult.  G-d I still have to admit that I still can not act like an adult.  Well maybe that is all I can do is act, but only sometimes.  I still have an incredibly hard time being an adult.  As I sit here and write this this truth is just being revealed to me. - and deeper in to the onion I go.

Meeting with the ex: child visitation

Think I got the ol H1N1.  I stayed home on Wednesday.  I feel worse this morning.

Yeah, I know.  Like who gives a fuck?  Well I guess I do.  I am starting to see the value of writing some of this stuff down in a journal type of thing.

I shared about fromshame2grace at last night's meeting.  There is a woman that comes to the meeting.  She will only be coming until December.   She had mixed feelings on the topic.  Others agreed with my anger towards most of the idots that commented on the news article.

Some one mentioned that I should put in a comment on that site to support him.  I actually attempted to register to be able to post but stopped the process at the last minute.  I was in too much anger and had too many hateful things to say.  Just like the guy that really pissed me off.  Each time I read it I get really pissed off.

Right now I am waiting to have a conference call with my ex and my therapist who will be the mediator about visitation with my children.  Visitation with my children is still very painful.  It really puts it front an center what I have lost, what could have been.  Everytime it is like walking back through the wreckage.  Although I haven't really done that yet.  Walking through the wreckage will be when I see Chris and Sara.  Okay, I am rambling.  However, when I do think of C and S I am filled with quite a sense of gratitude for where I am today.  There are no Chris and Sara's in my life.  I simply do not allow it.  I do not associate with people like that and will not.  This is something I do have control over and it does give me serenity.

Within Judgment lives the addiction

Remember when you point your finger at someone there are three more pointing right back at you.

Third post down by JoeBlow68

http://www.newsobserver.com/news/crime_safety/story/45389.html?plckFindCommentKey=CommentKey:137fe406-37ea-41a1-b687-cfdc3e843f16&pageNum=4&tab=story_tab_comments&tab=story_tab_comments&tab=story_tab_comments&tab=story_tab_comments&tab=story_tab_comments&mi_pluck_action=page_nav&tab=story_tab_comments

The post infuriated me.  Last night I wrote a lot on this and expressed my indignation.  From the 12 & 12 of AA it says:

"It is a spritual Axiom that everytime we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.  If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also.  But are there no exceptions to this rule?  What about "justifiable" anger?  If sombody cheats us, aren't we entitled to be mad?  Can't we be properly angry with self righteous folk?  For us of (place your 12 step recovery program here) these are dangerous exceptions.  We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it.

Few people have been more victimized by resentments than have we (place 12 step recovery program of your choice here)"

Most of the comments on that blog were judgmental not just against David but also against his wife Lisa.  These people are really pissed.  I have come to learn that when I am pissed at someone that has not done anything to me directly it is because I can see a little of them in me.  I was really angry with those people and I think it is because I can be just like them, just as judgmental.  In fact, had I not come into the program I would have added to the choir.  The fact that they are so angry with David and his wife does make me wonder what is going on in their lives.

I believe the universe gave me a shot at learning compassion just as it has with David.  I still have some learning to do.  So I keep coming back.

Consequences meant nothing

Within Pride lives the addiction.

The Building and the Dog

Neither the dog nor the building exist. Usually when I say where I went to school I say, "I did time at Ohio State." This was the front of Robinson Lab where I did a lot of time. It was home to the mechanical engineering department at OSU. In front of it, waiting for the bus, is my dog Gordie.

There were many times I would have given anything to watch them tear that building down. In fact, I would have helped. The last time I was in the building I think it was to look at grades on my last final or something like that.

I walked out of that building for the last time with my friend Colin who was the embodiment of Wayne from Wayne's World. Colin had long black hair like Wayne. He had the goofy smile and did that deal where he would flip his hair behind his shoulders and said stuff like, "Sphincter says what?" and he was from "Chicagoland". Colin was going to work for the "cron" as he put it, Cincinnati Milacron that is. I still had yet to land a job.

Anyway, as soon as the door shut behind us he ceremoniously turned around to face the building, bent down on his knees, raised both fists into the air and with middle fingers extended yelled obscenities at the building. Actually he yelled only two words and only one of those was an obscenity. The other was just a personal pronoun. It was a good obscenity though, you know, right at the top of the list and all.

Just like me he seemed to have had years of built up frustration and angst poised for the moment and this apparently was that moment. Me, I just stuffed it. Although it did take me four years before I would actually drive through Columbus as opposed to using the outer belt - even at 2 in the morning. I did well in college but I did not skate.

The "dog" Gordie is another story altogether. Gordie was kind of like Jimmy Neutron's mechanical canine, "Goddard." He was indomitable. Okay, it's too late and I can not pronounce the word so I guess that's all I have to share for now.

They both met on the trail. Actually she was already out there. He had yet to start. All the things in her life had burned down around her and she was shoveling her way out of the wreckage despite the fact others were working against her. She was in the process of trying to rebuild and it seemed as though everybody else around her was trying and in some cases successfully thwarting her efforts.

He saw her out there rebuilding but had no idea what it was all about. Actually she wasn't so much trying to rebuild as she was trying to gather all her belongings, get them organized and move on. As he heard her talk about her trials, he certainly didn't know it then but he would soon be going through the same thing.

Another milestone.

Stayed overnight with Wendy and her children for the first time on October 2nd 2009.

On friday afternoon Wendy told Leo and Sam about us, about our the deepening of our relationship.  Boy does that sound hokey or rather effusively or insincerely emotional.  Okay, now I gotta look up effusive: marked by the expression of great or excessive emotion or enthusiasm

She left a long time ago.  I mean it was years ago. From time to time he would remember her.  He still has all her pictures.  He put them in album.

At the time both of their lives were falling apart.  All they wanted was shelter.  They certainly couldn't find it in each other.  Although he wished they could.  She would have none of it of course.  He knew this so he didn't ask.

Back then it seemed like the ruins just kept going on forever as they walked through this hell of eternal smoke and smog.  Occasionally the air would clear and he would be able to make out her beautiful face.  So he kept the pictures he gave her.

The first time he looked back and she wasn't there he knew she had decided to head another direction.  He thought she probably just went back.  There was no going back for him though.  He was now on his way.  In fact he couldn't go back not even if had wanted.  All the roads had been washed away.  The buildings had been raised.  All that remained was ruins and he so desperately did not want to see the ruins.  Maybe some time but not now.  Just keep looking forward.

The memory seems persistent though.  Where did you go.  Where are you now.  Hope things are going well.  He did happen upon an artifact left by her which gave him hope however the artifact itself did not.  He discovered it about a year after she had left it.  All she said was "hahaha."  He knew she didn't leave it for him.  Must be for somebody else he thought.  The disturbing thing was that it all so said she hated her life.  As he ran his fingers over the marker all he hoped she was alright.  He hoped she found somebody. Somebody nice.  Somebody real.  Somebody that would treat her well.  He looked up at the sky and put his hand over his eyes to sheild them from the sun and realized that it was sunny now.  The mist that had seemed to persist for an eternity had lifted.  He carefully put the stones backdown where he had found them as if it were some kind of shrine.  He then left his own inscription from a song he heard thinking that if she comes back maybe she will find it.

You ask me where to begin

Am I so lost in my sin

You ask me where did I fall

Ill say I cant tell you when

But if my spirit is lost

How will I find what is near

Dont question Im not alone

Somehow Ill find my way home

 

Such a lovely creature, he thought.  He picked up his blue backpack, now almost 4 years old looked at the trail ahead and continued on.

The Journey Begins

And so on November 24th of 2005 my journey began.

Huh, our family, we wallow in our lives like pigs in shit.

Thanks for the update. It kinda sounds rough with dad - I mean with the vommiting and all.

When I left the psychiatric hospital - that is - when the guy dropped me off at the bus stop at Superior with my suit case into which Ronda had smashed some of my cloths, the picture started to clear up some. When I called a number of people and told them what had happend and got, "Floyd, you should have just done it. You should have just killed yourself. Why are you even still alive.", the picture came into focus a little more. When I got to the airport and started the process to change my ticket and the lady said, "I'm sorry sir but your card has been denied", all the witness lines of all the edges, corners, and faces of my life sharpened even yet a little more. When I went to get into my car at Phoenix, pulled the keys out of my pocket to find the house key and the key to the sienna removed, the hi res picture of my life unfolded before my eyes. I was alone.

I mean really alone. Not the alone like when I went back to college after christmas vacation. Or, not the alone like when you guys dropped me off in Owego New York for my co-op job at IBM. but the alone of having no one in my life. I mean no one.  In fact it was worst than alone because even those that would have been able to provide me any sense of comfort were wondering why I hadn't, as they put it, "done the world a favor and" killed myself. (I can't argue with their sentiments as they were finally getting sick of the stupid ass temper tantrums I was throwing) The people at my work did not know what was going on and I in no way wanted them to know what was going on. The only person at the time was Mary Jane to whom I had to pay 145 bucks a shot. I would eventually owe her 19 thousand dollars.

My world got real clear. I had foresaken all the people that might have been close to me - Ronda, who was probably out of the relationship even before we got married in 94!!!, you and dad even my children to some extent. After that there was really no one else. At least this is how I felt. I had yet to do anything "real" in the program.

While it is true that I had you and dad, at the time I really didn't just because I had fought everyone and everything. I was "the victim." I mean I was pissed at everything. It was all everybody else's fault - that is - up until November 24th of 2005 (Thanksgiving)

As I started to drive back up the hill (as they call it when coming back to Flagstaff from Phoenix) I knew I was alone. Worse yet I knew it was all because of me and no one else. It wasn't because of my "oh so awful" childhood. It wasn't because of Ronda. It wasn't because I hadn't been sufficiently promoted at work. It wasn't becasue I had to drive the children to daycare every day. The cause of the situation of which I now found myself pointed to only one source. Me.

The universe was speaking to me or rather yelling at me like a gunnery sargent in the marines.

In the movie full metal jacket the gunnery sargent in his motivation speech to the new recruits said the following: "You had best unfuck yourself or I will unscrew your head and shit down your neck!" You can see the actual clip at http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4342707509461078642# He says it at arond 2:26 into the clip. It is really quite motivational.

Really there is actually no otherway to put it. If I wanted any shot at a reasonable life I really needed to unfuck myself because somehow I knew that the universe had not even started to unscrew my head yet. However if I kept up my bullshit it would really unscrew my head and shit down my neck.

It seems to me that "us Ecklers" live our lives lementing how awful life is for us, how life has just taken a great big shit on us, What I believe now and my experience is starting to bear this out is that as long as we believe life/universe is shitting on us, it will. It is almost like we wallow in it like pigs in shit.

can't stop, stop the hurting
can't stop, stop the breathing
can't stop, stop these tears for you my dear
don't know why it's so bad
this life's been so bad
I'm glad I finally found you here
you're the voice of a dream I had
you're the voice and I'm so glad
you're the weight of a dream of a life come true
there's no denying
I sometimes run and chase the moon
I just can
I sometimes run and chase the views
and dream of you
my heart locked in absence
my heart locked and fearful
I see no-one can be here today
my thoughts locked in thinking
my thoughts not believing
I see no-one can be here with me
you're the light of a dream I had
you're the voice and I'm so glad
you're the weight of a dream of a life come true
there's no denying
I sometimes run and chase the moon
and think of you
I sometimes run and chase the views
and not of you
I sometimes run and chase the moon
but I'm just dreaming
I sometimes run and chase the views
but I'm still dreaming
dreaming
I'm dreaming
I'm dreaming of you, dear

The state of my recovery

So I can only take it for one hour. This is the time I spend at the Saturday morning ACoA meeting. It is an hour and a half meeting and I can only deal with it for one hour. I am not sure why that is. I think some thing is wrong here.

This morning I felt like if I stayed I would have to talk to people after the meeting. This is not good. What does this say about my recovery? I used to really love that meeting. For some reason today I didn’t. I really didn’t have anything to say or to share about.

Now I am sitting in a room on the other side of the church waiting for my next meeting. I hope nobody shows up. Usually when I hope this, somebody does show up and it turns out to be a pretty good meeting.

It is just after the half hour and I can hear the other people getting out of the meeting. I really should have stayed. I think I am in a not so bright place in my head. The whack jobs as Frank puts it did not share today or at least there weren’t a lot of whack jobs who shared.

It really bothers me that I think that some of the people that are at these meetings are real whack jobs. (I love that term) However, I think it is important to discern the whack jobs and understand that a lot of the sharing that happens at these meetings is nothing but pure insanity. Sometimes it is just people getting off on themselves.

I didn’t share today because I felt it was just going to come from that ego driven place. The “everybody look at me see how recovered I am” kind of place or the “my life is tough. I am really pullin’ the big load people. Look at me. Look at this load I got on. But I’m doin it cause that’s the kinda guy I am – kinda place. So at 9:00 I got up and left.

That means somebody would have to have been looking or should I say has to be looking. What are the chances of that.

I don't know, slim to none I guess.

That's what I was thinking.

Besides who really gives a fuck what you have to say anyway.

Well, some people do!

Yeah, right.

Man, I think I am just going to get donuts on my way into work.

You know that's not good for you?

Yes, I know. - What the fuck are you, my conscience?

Well as a matter of fact I am.

Well, I am really fucking hungry and one of those buttercream filled donuts sound real good right about now.

Did you ever think you were dealing with some deep seated anger issues

Fuck you!

My point exactly

And now for something completely different:

Wow, it has been over a freaking year! A couple of posts ago I was yammerin on about relationships aout 6 months after that post I found myself in one. We just went through our one year anniversary and we are really trying to work through things in a healthy way. It appears we have been successful.

One thing about working through things in a healthy way is that the relationship is quite "boring." I had quite enough of "not boring" in my last relationship and most of that was caused by me.

I still suffer with the addiction I started this blog with. Of course I do. I will always have it.

Do I have to tell you what the addiction is or can we just assume you know what it is or that you will go back to the beginning of this blog and educate yourself. I mean, come on, I said it so many times I really do not want to have to repeat myself.

Losing my religion

The plot is always basically the same, only the setting changes. One time the setting was with my family back in Ohio. My mom (still alive), Dad, Sister, her daughters (my nieces - when they were young), my sister's ex husband, my boys as the are now, and her - my ex wife. I was there with all of them but had to leave to come back home all the way across the country.

She, my ex-wife, looked at me only as an acquaintance. She was laughing, I think. Also singing. I thought I saw her look at me in that way but I didn't. "Maybe she was trying." I tell myself.

"Well, I've gotta get going." I say.

She responds without looking at me, "We'll see ya later." The tone is ambivilant. The tone in her voice is from somebody who never knew me the way she knew me. The tone is that of a stranger but not quite.

I am left wanting more. "Please, look at me!" I think to myself. "Don't you care?!" I continue to think. My mind races. "How can I make her care?" I think. I get frantic, How can I make her notice me again. I start to panic. My brain screams at me in my head! "What lengths can I go to to put me back in her life!" Then I see her eyes again. They are distant and do not recognize me. There is no recognition of familiarity. I am only left with a passing glance.

I try to say more. I say something like, "Should I come back?" but I get no response. I try to engage her. And then I realize that I've said too much. I wanted something from her but she did not give it. I feel rejected and abandonded. I realize I just set myself up. I should have just left and not tried to engage. I should have not asked if I should come back. I said too much.

She continues talking to other people as if I have already left. I leave seeing her the way she was when we first met. I leave seeing her the way she was when we first met but she is with someone else. I can see I am out of her mind. I can see I am out of her consciousnous. I can see I am not in her life anymore. And then I wake up.

Oh, life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up

I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

But that was just a dream
Try, cry, why try?
That was just a dream
Just a dream, just a dream
Dream

At around 11:30 pm on my 42nd birthday I found myself in a deserted metro station somewhere in the middle of Prague in the Czech Republic. I was trying to get to the old town square. Without knowing a lick of Czech I somehow managed to figure out the fair schedule and navigate my way from one subway to another until I miraculously ended up a few streets down from the square. I walked up the narrow cobble stone street to find a nondescript door in the side of a building. It was only by accident that I found it. Above it a small sign read “U tøí bubnù” (House of the Three Drums – loses a little in translation.) I knocked on the door and an older gentleman answered. In a thick Czech accent and broken English he said “You must be the American. Please come in.” I showed him my passport, gave him my credit card and after a couple of attempts to politely understand one another, I followed him up the narrow stairs to my room. It was 2:00 am. Aside from the trepidation and fear that night, I also felt a sense of exhilaration as I went to sleep. In the morning I awoke to the most beautiful city I have ever seen.

I still have no idea which train station I arrived at in Prague that night. All I knew when I got off the train was that I had to figure how to get to the “U tøí bubnù” without knowing the language. Just one year prior I found myself in a very similar situation. I came to the end of my marriage and found I had no idea where I was in life or how to speak the language. The last two plus years I have been trying to figure out the fair schedules and navigate my way from subway stop to subway stop.

These “subway stops” have amounted to a series of discoveries about me. Among these discoveries is that I love to be creative which is in sharp contrast with my profession – from photography to abstract drawing to making decorative boxes with my laser engraver (http://godbox.sybillus.com). I have also discovered that I love to travel. I have only been to Europe once but would like to go back, and I go to Mexico periodically with a friend who has a house on a quiet little peninsula on the Sea of Cortez. I like the idea of heading out with no real destination in mind and I have recently been rekindling an interest in hiking and backpacking.

This certainly is not where I expected to be at 44, however I have come to a place in my life of acceptance. I find that when I have little expectation (neither high nor low) of how “things” will, or ought, to be, my life seems to go way better than I could imagine. Continuing with the traveling analogy; you might say that I went completely off the map, that for the last two years I have been getting my bearings again, and that I would like to start traveling with a companion again.

I do have three wonderful boys who I love very much. You can see them if you visit the website above. They live with their mother in Boulder and I visit them at least four times a year.

I am not looking for someone to complete me; I am looking for someone with whom to share life’s experiences. If you are grammatically critiquing this profile, we probably would not be a good match. However, you are a great match for me if you are more interested in the adventure of the journey than the destination. You think outside the box and can be unconventional. You have a love for music…all kinds. You are not too concerned with material things or your social status. You have a sense of humor and you find humor in everything. You like the outdoors, but you clean up nice. You take care of yourself, but you are not obsessive-compulsive about it. You’re spiritual, but not religious. Your spirituality is private and you don’t need others to agree with your beliefs. You have conviction in your spiritual and political beliefs but you respect the beliefs of others. Although you have opinions you try not to judge. I say “try” because that is a tall order. You are human and make mistakes and appreciate and understand that in others.

As it turned out

There was never any Jack or Diane.

As it turned out it was just some fantasy in my head. Countless times through out my life I have seen Jack and Dianes or I have seen what I thought were Jack and Diane. The big strong fat head and the ditzy girlfriend I think is the way I imagined it to be. Jackie's gonna be a movie star Diane's a debutante sittin in the back seat of Jackie's car.

Soy un perdedor

I'm a loser baby, so why dontchya kill me.

Yes, this is what I have been feeling of late. Keep in mind there is no such thing as a wrong feeling. Also and more importantly feelings are not facts! Never-the-less this is how I have been feeling. I believe the feeling is being stimulated by the fact that I have been surrounded by "couples" "in luuuuuuvvvv." I have been surrounded by men with their women, women with their men, women with their women (lesbians). Couples in relationships abound!

This is not a pity party but let me go on a little bit. I have been feeling absolutely pathetic - like a total loser - because I am not in a relationship. Oh woe is moi! (Gettin crazy with the cheeze whiz - things are gonna change, I can feel it.*) Everybody is in love with one another and here I am out in the rain all by myself. Yes, it certainly does not feel good.

You say, "Oh wait now!!!, God loves you!" or "Jesus loves you."

Now that makes me feel a whole lot better. I mean why would I want a woman's arms wrapped around me, caressing my face, staring into my eyes, giving me warm tender kisses on my lips. Why would I want to feel the warmth and tenderness of her cheek on mine as we hold each other close. Why would I want something like that when I already have God and Jesus loving me.

Okay, here is where I stop the pity party! The reason why I would not want something like that is becawwwwz, there is a bit of a price to pay. All the people around me that are "in luuuuv" "in relationships" are miserable. I mean most of the time I listen to their agony of what is going on with them and their partner. It sounds to me like a horrible existence. And as I recall it was a horrible existence when I was in it.

And no this is not "sour grapes" because, I do know it can be good. And of course this is what we all hope for - that it will be good. It can be good if the two concerned parties have good mental health or some semblance there of.

So here I am still working on my self. The feelings still arise. I will forget. It will look all rosey and happy when I see couples engaged in public displays of affection. I will feel left out. I will feel like a loser. Those feelings will occur. I will still keep working on myself and I really hope one day the situation avails itself. but until then. . . .

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.**

*Lyrics by Beck "Loser"

**Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost.

I have a pretty lateralized brain!

Brain Lateralization Test Results

Right Brain (50%) The right hemisphere is the visual, figurative, artistic, and intuitive side of the brain. Left Brain (44%) The left hemisphere is the logical, articulate, assertive, and practical side of the brain

Are You Right or Left Brained?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Gratitude.

You ever get e-mail or a letter with the closing that says: "Regards" ?

Like: ?

Hi Floyd,

yada yada yada yada

so on and so forth

etc. etc.
etc.

Regards,

J. Fred Muggs.

I guess I don't mind getting that kind of closure from a business associate or somebody that I am not familiar with. But I kinda get insulted when it is from somebody with which I am familiar, like my ex-wife or my sister or somebody like that.

The closing kind of indicates the space between you and the sender. With a business associate the level of familiarity is pretty distant, unless you are friends outside of work. However, with somebody like your ex-spouse, the closing of regards might be used in situations where the two of you have not spoken in years or the two of you are in hostile litigation with each other. The other. Being as thin skinned as I am, if I were to get a closure of "regards" from say my ex I would take it as a message of coldness as in I you are nothing more than an "entity" in my life you are not really a person I know or I even want to know.

I am soooo grateful that I have nothing more to bitch about than something so freaking trivial as somebody putting "regards" at the end of their letter or e-mail. This didn't even happen to me. It happened to my sister with her daughter. I will bet she (my sister did not even notice it.) I guess my life is going really well now. I am really grateful!

Regards,

Floyd

New and Fresh (Earthquake and if's Aftermath (cont.)

When I woke up on November 25th, 2002 I awoke to a world of incomprehensible demorilazation - utter destruction. I awoke only to catch a glimpses of wreckage of my life for the first time. I couldn't see it fully but the smoke was dissipating and the dust was settling. I knew very well what lay behind all the smoke and dust. In the days and months that followed every once in a while the air would clear just enough for me to see a mangled frame rising out of a pile of concrete rubble . Sometimes I could feel heat emanating from a particular direction and the smoke and dust that way would flicker and glow orange yellow and red.

The life that I knew that I was so desparately trying to hang on to was gone. I had no choice but to let go. There simply wasn't anything left to hold on to. It had all collapsed into the rubble that now lay behind the smoke and dust.

What is really wierd is that now I look back at that time with some fondness, as I have mentioned before. I think it is because the slate had been clean. The only thing left to do was to build anew out of the ruins of my past. And that is what I set out to do.

Self Aborption

One of the things about being an addict is that of self aborption.

I was at a meeting the other night, a small meeting. We go out for coffee afterwards. Near end of the meeting, I pulled out my pencil and paper and started to draw. The meeting ended I put away my stuff and then went to meet for coffee. During our conversation the topic came up of how I used to be.

Okay, here is the part about self absorption: One of the people brought up that "Didn't you used to "check out" alot with your ex wife." That is to say I would go into my own little world. "Yes, I replied." Then I thought, just thought mind you. I didn't say this but rather thought, "Yeah, I used to check out by drawing." So then I asked them, "Hey, did my drawing in the meeting bother you?" One person said, "Yeah a little'"; the other shook her head yes in a rather emphatic way. All of the sudden my forehead got really warm and I felt like I had just been slugged in my sternum. This seems to be my physiological manifestation of shame.

I became very ashamed of myself. I remember when that would happen in the past with my ex-wife I would get really pissed off. I think it was to avoid feeling the pain of the shame. I would throw a temper tantrum and sometimes a big fight would ensue. In fact, it was this very thing that precipitated the final death blow to our marriage.

Fortunately, the anger thing did not come. I think it may have popped up a bit but I told them that I was sorry and that now I was feeling emmense shame. It was tremendously painful. The said that it wasn't that big of a deal but I could not help the way I felt. It felt really freaking bad!

One of them said to me that I should do a reality check. "Niether of us are angrey at you. We aren't telling you to leave the group. We aren't giving you disgusting looks or anything like that."

This did not seem to matter the pain was killer. I sat with it.

The next morning I woke up and I was recalling the night before. Kind of reliving the scene in my head again. The same shameful pain came up. I called one of the people - my friend Tara. This was the person that was sharing when I started drawing. She also understands the whole shame feeling. I wanted to just talk to her about it. I was not looking for her to tell me it was alright that I did that (draw in the meeting) I was amazed at how awful I still felt (embarrassed really) The next thing I know I am crying to her about it. HEY, it's better than getting pissed of and trying to kill myself! Progress not perfection!

Wind and Time

rapes the flower trembling on the vine.

"Fear" by Sarah Mclachlan

The Earthquake and it's Aftermath

Where was I in my head last year this time? I wish I knew. Where was I two years ago at this time. Wish I knew that one two. I remember communicating with a woman on this blog. It kind of felt like were hiking on a path and met each other. Eventually she went her way and I mine. I think this is what kind of put a cramp on me writting in this blog.

This is really crazy but I am starting to look at that time with kind of, dare I say; fond memories. I think it was because I was emerging from my deep enmeshment with my now ex-wife and beginning to look at life with a different set of eyes.

Life was becoming different for me. In actuallity life had been much different for me ever since I moved to the place that I currently live. It was like on November 22/23 of 2005 there was an earthquake. A really big freaking earthquake. After the earthquake I spent the next six months in the hospital recovering from the immediate wounds I had sustained during the quake. Then at six months I got out of the hospital and emerged into a radically changed world. As I went though the city all the places I had known were no longer their. There were no familiar places. They were either in ruins, completely gone, or had been rebuilt into something totally different. Most of the places were in ruins and appeared unsafe to enter. The pain of see the ruins was tremendous. Thankfully corpeses had long since been hauled away. I have not seen one yet and hope that I don't.

The biggest thing was that the place that I lived, the place where I took refuge, where I took shelter was gone. There was no place to get out of the rain. During that time, the time immediately after getting out of the hospital, it rained continuously. I could however get temporary shelter. When it gets really bad I have been able get under awnings from huts that I run across in the jungle. Nobody, let's me in. Some are really afraid of me. I mean I don't look too good right now. One time I got invited in but the place was kind of scary and it actually felt better out in the rain.

I never really have gotten used to it, I mean the rain that is. It still rains alot but every once in a while the sun comes out. I am really grateful to see the sun when it comes out. But sometimes as I am traveling I see things like when I was invited into the scarry looking hut that kind make the rain feel good. Sometimes the rain is warm. And, although wet; the warm rain feels really good. So I let wash down over me and just feel it.

The weather is a big thing here it seems to dictate every aspect of my life - of life in general. The rain really helps things grow and things are growing. It is hard to notice though. Sometimes when I look back or when I return to certain areas, I can really see the growth. But on the whole I really don't see it. Other people can really see it but I guess I can't for the most part.

The city is being rebuilt but I have not gone back into the city I mean deep into the city. I am afraid. I am afraid of what I might see. I am afraid I will see more wreckage than I can bear. Or worse yet I am afraid I will walk into buildings that I think are structurally sound only to have them fall in on me. So I don't go back into the city. I stay out in the rain.

It's raining today. It is light. You might say it is just sprinking a bit. Never-the-less it is cloudy and the sun is not out and I am getting wet. I am a hell of a lot more used to it than I was. But gosh, I still don't like it.

When I started this

I started blogging about 3 months before my wife said she wanted a divorce. Three months prior to that my marriage with her crashed in a rather catastophic fashion. There was a lot of drama on tuesday night November 22 and then the wee hours of November 23rd.

November 24th (Thanksgiving day) I came back to where I live. We were ("presumably") in the process of relocating and had been for about one and a half years. We were relocating to where I currently live which is 700 miles from where I used to live and she still lives. (Does any of that make sense? - Hope so.)

Anyway we then went through a period of six months where we did not communicate with each other in anyway. At the end of that period she told me she wanted a divorce. During that "no contact" period I started this stupid blog. I don't know why. Maybe it is just an exersice in vanity. I'm so vain I bet I think this blog is about me. Don't I, Don't I.

However, if I were vain, I would sign this blog with my real name.

However, If I was vain, I would sign this blog with my real name.

The Wake

You know how a boat makes waves in the water. I think that's a pretty good metaphore for what I am experiencing now.

I believe my ex- is moving on and I mean moving on with someone else. This is kind of like the final blow of reality that our relationship as a couple, as lovers, as confidants, as partners, as friends is over.

My wife started liking baseball when the Colorado Rockies Baseball team came into being. I kinda like it and I kinda got into the games and stats with her. Together we would go to a game occasionally or we would listen to them on the radio. Sometimes we would even watch them on TV. Interestingly the Rockies are going to the "big dance" this year. In order to get there, they beat the Arizona diamond backs. I live in Arizona now.

The Cleveland Indians are playing Boston for the American league championship. If the Indians win the series and the championship then they will be going to the fall classic as well. I am from Cleveland.

I don't really believe in any sybollogy about whether the Indians and the Rockies are pitted against one another but I do know that having the Rockies in the world series beating the diamond backs and then possibly playing the indians keeps her upfront and center in my head.

So my memories of baseball with her over the years is like a wave that has traveled through the years from 1990s to meet me here in 2007 and wash over me.

Every reminder.... And here, the coinsidence is just to big. It's like life is saying, "See this is what was and it's gone now!!!! It's over you fucking looser. It's over." And I will bet the Rockies Spank the Indians in a big fucking way.

Anyway I still have to say "Go Indians!" and oh yes I know the last sentence in the last paragraph is a bunch of horseshit.

The other thing about the wake is that a wake is what you have after a funeral.

The leaves are changing

I just got back
from seeing her face
It was as I remembered
It was everything I remembered loosing
and more.

I don't want to talk about it.

I am finding that the following book: I don’t want to talk about it by Terrence Real today. (Scribner, 1997) The sub-title is: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression. is really helpful.

Exactly what happened

during the addiction discovery between you and the ex?

Well it was really a discovery for both of us. Realizing I am powerless over this really help(s)(ed). Putting up the white flag and surrendering is kind of a relief. With all the earnestness in my heart I did not want to be doing what I was doing. I never wanted to decieve her.

When I turned around and looked at what I had done (been doing), I was horrified. The ex was and is one of the sweetest and prettiest women I have known yet look what I did. During the discovery, what I called the disclosure, I told her all I had done as completely and as thoroughly as I could.

In April of 2004, she finally delved into one of my journals and found direct reference to my activity. She called me at work one morning and told me that we had to talk. I left the building and took a walk on the railroad tracks as I was talking to her on the cell phone. I was cursing the fucking railroad because there were no trains coming by. I think I would have happily laid down in front of one at the time.

She didn't want to leave me and she didn't. She believed I was caught in an addiction and I was. I started going to meetings at that time. For about the next thirty days the addiciton lifted. I mean it was gone and I felt good. I engaged in no activity in anyway, shape, or form. Although she and I were still intimate.

All was quiet. We knew I had a problem and I was going to work on it. All I had ahead of me was just work. I was free. I felt free. She told me that day as I walked the tracks that the truth would set me free. She told me that if it hadn't been me it would have been somebody else just like me or perhaps even worse. And yes there could be worse.

Then after about thirty days, it started coming back. It gradually seeped back into every facet of my thinking. I couldn't just turn this stuff off. If it was as simple as "don't do it!" I would have not done it long ago.

The addiction invades every area, every facility, every faculty of strength my brain possesses. Soon every facility, memory, power of reason, logical thought, were being used to support the addiction. And in the space of two months it was back in force while I was at work.

In the summer of 2005 I moved to Flagstaff. While it didn't make it to the work place, on November first of 2004 I once again violated the marriage. This time I took no steps to hide it. I was too tired. I was exhausted.

She found out once again. It was christmas of 2005 yet another confrontation. Another breach of trust. As I look back on it we should have ended it then. - the marriage that is. At that point I got more serious about the program but not serious enough! For the next 8 to 9 months I no longer acted out but my anger became greater and greater. The verbal and emotional abuse became greater and greater until the events of November 22, 2005 unfolded.

The addiction was pissed and so stripped me of everything I had known. Now I have nothing to do but work on beating this mother fucker. The only way I can beat this thing is to surrender. Get rid of the hate. Get rid of the resentments. When somebody does me wrong I have to take away the lesson - not get pissed at them. That feeds this addiction.

Out on the Rocks

Seem to be out on the Rocks

The feeling is familiar. It is that lost empty feeling I feel every weekend. This is actually rare me writing in this thing on the weekend.

I have slept most of the afternoon. I left my first morning meeting early and did not go to the second one. I came home and slept instead.

I miss my life

The need for human contact

The time I like is the rush hour, cos I like the rush
The pushing of the people, I like it all so much
Such a mass of motion, do not know where it goes
I move with the movement and ... I have the touch

I'm waiting for ignition, I'm looking for a spark
Any chance collision, and I light up in the dark
There you stand before me, all that fur and all that hair
Oh, do I dare ... I have the touch

Wanting contact
I'm wanting contact
I'm wanting contact with you
Shake those hands, shake those hands
Give me the thing I understand
Shake those hands, shake those hands
Shake those hands, shake those hands

Any social occasion, it's hello, how do you do
All those introductions, I never miss my cue
So before a question, so before a doubt
My hand moves out and ... I have the touch

Your actions talk as a naked man, with nothing up their sleeve
Words you use can devastate, can decoy, and deceive
Talk to me with flesh and blood, I trust what I receive
The moment I believe is … I have the touch

Wanting contact
I'm wanting contact
I'm wanting contact with you
Shake those hands, shake those hands
Give me the thing I understand
Shake those hands, shake those hands

Pull my chin, stroke my hair, scratch my nose, hug my knees
Try drink, food, cigarette, tension will not ease
I tap my fingers, fold my arms, breathe in deep, cross my legs
Shrug my shoulders, stretch my back - but nothing seems
to please

I need contact
I need contact
Nothing seems to please
I need contact

did you and the now ex have sex

while you were trying to work things out.

Yes we did. From the time she confronted me on the activity with the "working" women until my abusiveness got out of hand.

So this is painful for me but it help to get it out yet one more time.

She confronted me March of 04:

I went into SAA in April of 04

Moved to the place where I currently live in August of 04

Started acting out again - book stores and printed material and some internet in September 04 up to November 1 04 when I saw my last working girl.

She discovered it again christmas 04 I then made an earnest effort to stop the activity but still did not work the program. In feb, then May, then Aug, I had kind of angry tempertantrums. They were not physically violent but I was verbally abusive with her.

Then November 22 05 had my biggest melt down and threatened suicide - ended up in the back of a squad car and then in a psych ward for two days

I was released Thanksgiving day morning to come back here. (nov 24 2005) This is the last time I saw her. I hope I die before I ever see her again. The last I remember of her is her saying go back to flagstaff and don't ever come back.

As far as the sex went - When she confronted me I came clean on the eight times (of the probably 100 times I had been with those engaged in "the profession")that I did "it" unprotected. (The shame about this is overwhelming. The addiction is absolutely hiddeous!) We then used protection up until sometime in the middle of the summer. Then when she discover the November 1 '04 incident we used protection up until Nov 21 05 the last time we did it. Yes, I remember the last time. I really wish I didn't.

I'm not tryin' to fake it, and I ain't the one to blame.
No, there's no one home in my house of pain.
I didn't write these pages and my script's been re-arranged.
No, there's no one home in my house of pain.

Tell me this,

after you had been caught in the betrayal, how hard did you work to keep her?

I worked very hard. However, it was that hard work that ended up costing me the marriage. I thought that all I had to do was just stop doing "it." (doing the addiction) That is the wrong answer. I had tried countless numbers of time to "just stop doing the addiciton." I tried giving her the finances - she didn't even know about what I was doing when I gave her control of the finances. My addict brain was able to figure away around it.

She finally confronted me on my activity and that is when I went into 12 step. I went into 12 step to save my marriage. When I went in, I heard countless numbers of times that one has to do this for one's own self not to save a marriage or for someone else. I thought, "okay then, I am doing this for myself." I had no idea what that meant.

What ended up happening was I did not work my program. I did not work the 12 steps. I basically became a dry drunk. I had stopped the activity but had not made any real behavioral changes. I maintained resentments and they brewed deep inside me getting stronger and stronger.

Finally I blew and it was ultimately my abusive behavior that ended our marriage.

She had actually started to grow as a result of her working the 12 steps. I was still stuck.

I do believe that both of us contributed to the destruction of our marriage equally. It wasn't all me. This is what everybody tells me. I am starting to get it. My therapist said that for as sick as I was she was equally sick for being with me. If she does not change then she will just end up with somebody like me again - another addict.

In order for me to "keep" her I would have had to grow at the same rate she was - or somewhat close. Once the disparity became so great the thing just blew apart. (thing being marriage) Based on what I went through both of you will have to grow at the relatively the same rate in order to get through this. Hopefully, he is willing to work at it. I don't know if that means "12 step" or what. This implies that you will have to grow (mentally physically and spiritually)

I can imagine you thinking ("you are telling me about "growing spiritually") I am not implying in anyway that I am "spititually adept." You are probably better at it than I. This is why, for me, I need the 12 steps. I really really hope you do not think I am talking down to you. (First of all I can't, I mean you are way taller than me ha ha ha) I am just telling you what I have learned about myself really and that is I need to continue to grow mentally physically and spirtually.

My ex-wife had a number of boy friends before me. All of them were addicts (same addiction) and the manifestation of their addictions were worse than mine. She kept choosing the same type of person. I really do not believe all men have this. I know lots of men that really don't.

I hope this sheds some light and doesn't make you angry with me.

I hope you have some peace. When I pray, I hold you, your husband, and children in God's light.

What the F*&K? over.

What the hell were the last two posts about?

One way I think it might work

So the other day, he's coming up on an intersection.

I could see this one comein'. This one was really common back in February, March, and April. He's really hung up on this woman. He doesn't seem to be able to stop looking into oncoming traffic for her car. It's like he gets some kind of charge out of just seeing her car. That whole infactuation thing really screws them up. Sometimes I think the space suit causes way more problems than most of the naturally occurring situations that develop there.

Anyway, he's coming up on the intersection, the light is turning yellow and he is looking into oncoming traffic About three seconds prior to entering the intersection it becomes apparent to us that he's just gonna go right through it without a thought. Oh shit!, we gotta scramble on this one. We get on the horn, pronto, with people in charge of the guy in the blue volkswagen who seems to be trying to select a song on his i-pod. It takes a bit but we finally locate and call that crew and notify them of the situation. They said that they saw what was happening but were grateful that we gave 'em a jingle anyway. They were able to finness the situation just enough that allowed him (our guy) to get through the intersection unscathed. Of course, he looks up at the red light about 5 nanoseconds before he is under it. Now he's gotta deal with all the shame and guilt. Once again it is the goddamn protective space suit that seems to screw him over.

Orientation

He said that before he put on his suit and came through the portal, they had warned him about all of this. Just like all the others it didn't seem to matter to him. He went ahead and did it anyway! We just stood there shaking our heads in disbelief and watched him as he stepped into the womb.

The next thing he knows is, well, nothing. That's always what happens. He doesn't remember any of the decisions he's made about taking the adventure, the journey, the trip, I mean what ever the fuck you want to call it. He remembers nothing about it. Now we see him, just like all the others, trying to figure it all out. He no longer even knows that we exist. It is really amazing that "our existence" seems to be a hot debate that has lasted for quite some time. People die and endure a lot of pain over this debat. Man, I don't know why anyone would do it.

We've tried to protect him but there is only so much we can do. We have no control over what he does or thinks. We try to set things up for his benefit, the next thing ya know he's doing the unexpected. We have to scramble get in touch with the others make sure there are no collisions, make sure things are set up for the "awarenesses" to take place and then hope for the best.

He does seem to be doing better these days.

10 true things

1.) I feel anxious
2.) I don't want to be at work right now
3.) There is too much traffic around my office.
4.) People can see that I am doing this instead of work
5.) I went over to Frank's this morning before I came to work
6.) The sky, the weather, is niether blue nor completely grey. it is somewhere inbetween as if there seems to be a bit of indicision on the weather's part. I wonder if the weather feel's the same way I do.
7.) I got into work around 8:30.
8.) Frank seemed a bit distracted when we talked this morning
9.) I completed the boxes for Tracy and will ship them today, I hope
10.) My work is not interesting enough.

It's been a while

Since I last checked in, huh? I feel like journalling today. I wish I felt like it more often. I mean, I had plenty to journal about.

I just spent the last two weeks immersed in AA meetings and retreats. Those 12 golden steps! you gotta love 'em. I say this somewhat sarcastically and yet with some reverence. I think the steps can be taken way to seriously and not seriously enough.

One of the things I realized after the retreat and after thursday when I talked with my wife is - okay, ex-wife, is that I am still looking to her to rescue me. She is working a very good program and she is not. And this pisses me off. I told her this last thursday. I have shared this at every meeting I have gone to. I think the people there are getting sick of it. But I only share this thing for one week.

I've been at this awhile

I seemed to have been walking on this road waiting for the inevitable heart breaking disaster. I've been on it since 1990, well, actually since I was born but I think it became appearent around 1990. And it came into reality in 2004.

Funny thing about it though, when you accept the inevitable, that inevitable disaster that could happen any moment or a year, or a decade from now, somehow the load seems to be lifted a bit. The disaster seems to loose it's power.

Note for today

It really is that we can not and will never get back together. I have to
hold that idea close and hang on to it with every last fiber of my
constitution.

I still feel like a child. I am still a child.