The Crack in the Damn

I could see the crack in the damn. Over the last few days I could feel it. When Mary Jane told me over the phone that she intended to file in the next few weeks, I could feel the shift, almost like an earthquake.

"No! This is real! It is really happening! How could she do this!? How could she do this to me!?" I keep thinking. My mind keeps trying to wrap itself around this.

"What is there left to live for and why!? I wonder in panic, "I think I need a motorcycle." I distract for a second. I then think. "How in the fuck am I going to get through this!? How will I live through this!? I can't believe this is happening to me!" The terror re-mounts. "Maybe I should buy a new computer." Another brief second of relief.

"Gee, she never even wanted to see what I was doing or if I had changed. We never even started talking again?" I think in a moment of slight resentment. "Just like that, she is gone!" I think in horor and panic.

Then, then, "The woman, Kary, at the Sunday night meeting is absolutely beautiful. I could see myself falling in love with her if I haven't already. The way she gently holds and cradles her son Zach, I've never seen anything so beautiful in my life. You know, she told me that Zach's middle name is Andrew. She said she loves the name Andrew. It is her brother's name. You know, I wonder if I really belong in SLAA? You know, that is just love an relationship crap. My thing is strictly sex. I am perfectly fine with love and relationship stuff. She is so nice and sweet. No No A- you gotta wait no rebound stuff here. Yes, I will wait, I will wait a good long time before I ask her out. Fortunately, I've already got six months under my belt so next week ought to be enough time.

"Just like that she left. There is no recourse. There is nothing left to say, no argument to make. No one or nothing can take her place not Elizabeth, not a motorcycle, not a new computer, not a new car or all of those things put together. And nothing of this even comes close to when I think about the loss albeit temporary of my three wonderful boys. If it were just R-, the crack would be in the dam that makes Chatfield reservoir in Littleton Colorado. Adding the boys to the equation puts that crack in the Hoover dam.

Over the phone Tuesday morning from the office at 671 Grant St in Denver the 50 something year old lady took the pry bar, put it in the crack and pounded on the end of it driving it ever deeper. Then she pushed the pry bar to the side and watched

"A- can you think back to your wedding day with R-? A-, tell me about your wedding day. What happened on that day. What happened the day before. How did you ask her to marry you?" And then with all her might and every last ounce of energy she could muster gave the pry bar the final heave, "Do you remember how you first asked her out. Could you tell me about that?" Then everything below vanished under the furry and froth of the brown deluge. All the cities, towns, side roads, rail road crossings, and bridges all creations natural and not were obliterated in less than seconds.

And the dam gave way. No, this dam is not spelled with an "n"


All that is left seems to be one big silent scream as the tears drip down my face.

When the night shows
the signals grow on radios
All the strange things
they come and go, as early warnings
Stranded starfish have no place to hide
still waiting for the swollen Easter tide
There's no point in direction we cannot
even choose a side.

I took the old track
the hollow shoulder, across the waters
On the tall cliffs
they were getting older, sons and daughters
The jaded underworld was riding high
Waves of steel hurled metal at the sky
and as the nail sunk in the cloud, the rain
was warm and soaked the crowd.

Lord, here comes the flood
We'll say goodbye to flesh and blood
If again the seas are silent
in any still alive
It'll be those who gave their island to survive
Drink up, dreamers, you're running dry.

When the flood calls
You have no home, you have no walls
In the thunder crash
You're a thousand minds, within a flash
Don't be afraid to cry at what you see
The actors gone, there's only you and me
And if we break before the dawn, they'll
use up what we used to be.

Lord, here comes the flood
We'll say goodbye to flesh and blood
If again the seas are silent
in any still alive
It'll be those who gave their island to survive
Drink up, dreamers, you're running dry.