How has 12 step programs helped me personnally?
This is an essay question, isn't it? Is there partial credit?
Okay, enough with being a smart ass. As I said in the comments, 12 step programs have helped me to become more spiritual. This is what 12 step programs are all about becoming spiritual. Alcoholics Anonymous is a "spiritual program of action." This really turns a lot of people off. But I was at my wits end. So, me being an atheist decided that I needed to disspence with the arrogance and consider spirtuallity as a possible solution. Notice I say spirtuallity and not religion, Jesus Christ, Budha, Reverend Jim Jones, Big Bad Bob the Albino, or any cult or anything like that.
Prior to this I thought all that God stuff Budha stuff and the like was for the weak minded. However, I now look at it in a different light. Here is my reasoning:
The 12 step program is a way of dealing with addiction to Alcohol, drugs, sex, you name it. I believe my addiction stems from anxiety, fear, loneliness, and/or psychological pain in general. I believe this psychological pain comes from the uncertainty of survival. In other words, I am literally afraid for my life. For me, every pain I have can be traced back to my fear for survival.
The way I calm this fear is to drink, drug, have sex, you name it. In these conditions, I literally gain serenity. That's what you get when drink, That's what I get when I have sex, especially after. In fact, that's what I get when I am accepted by that very special someone who I believe is the answer to my dreams, who makes me feel needed, who makes me feel loved. When I don't have this, my survival is in question.
I understand that my survival depends on my ability to produce at work. Well, what if I don't like my work. That's kind of a problem. The other thing is that my ability to produce at work is subject to opinion. Do the people that sign my paycheck value the work I do. All these things kind of come into play. Add to this that I was told from the time I was born that I was a worthless shit and a dumb bastard. So right off the bat, I don't believe I have the ability to produce. I don't believe I have value to other people. But it is through other people that my survival depends on. This is a lot of fucking pain to deal with. I think I'll have a drink. I think I'll see a prostitute. - or whatever. Once I do this I get some sense of "everything being okay" for a little while. This sense of "everything being okay." is almost euphoric compared to the standard, "I have no right to be alive." or "at any moment my life is going to go into the shitter." I learn very quickly that Alcohol, drugs, sex makes me feel okay in this very uncertain world.
The spirtuallity aspect tells us that in a very natural way, all of us will be cared for. Once you gain a "visceral" understanding of this you then get the same thing that you got artificially through seeing prostitutes, having the nice car, taking drugs, buying lots of stuff, eating, or what ever.
The thing of it is, is that "ALL OF US WILL BE CARED FOR BY A HIGHER POWER" as long as we work this spiritual program of action. Yes, it is contingent on you working the program, the 12 steps. I have found this to be true so far. I must have faith though.
To me when I first heard this I thought that this kind of sounds like "motherhood and apple pie" and crap like that. But I am finding that this is the case - when I work the program. Because it is when I work the program that I can then really start to believe on a very basic/fundamental level that everything will be okay. So there is no need to fuck over my neighbor. There is no need to be disrespectful to women. There is no "need" to have the nicest car. There is no need to send my kids to "the best schools" in order to keep up with the Dasouza's (My wife's neighbors) No, everything is fine just as it is.
Okay, I am not there yet. Very few of us are but this is my goal. I have seen glimpses of this. I have had real tangible experiences with this to know that this is what I definitely need to be doing. This is why when my wife says, I want everything you have and I do not want you to have any type of a life after our divorce, I say in responce, I will try to meet you as closely on this as I possibly can. I know that what she wants is not in line with spiritual principles and I know that I will be taken care of. What happens to her and what she ultimately gets is her own business. But mine is that, after all is said and done, as long as I am working my program I will be happy.
It is for all of this that I am truely grateful. I really am. I have gone through a tremendous amount of pain these last few days - this last weekend, even for several hours today. Never-the-less, I feel good, I feel content. Everything in my life right now is okay. It is fine. I live in a wonderful house, have an excellent roommate, just had coffee and excellent conversation with two wonderful friends at Macy's, listened to some excellent music, came home and wrote this - was inspired to write this to a wonderful beautiful person - you know who you are. And all is well. I am grateful. Thank you God.
It is through 12 step that I am understanding gratitude and how absolutely wonderful gratitude can be. Six months ago, I so did not get it! I will say though that all the seeds had been planted by that time. That's is what 12 step has done for me personally It has allowed me to believe for at the very least brief periods of time that every thing will be okay and therefore I do not need to seek the services of a prostitute or a 12 pack of beer hit of crack to "feel like every thing will be okay." It's much better than that; I know everything will be okay!
Join us for our next episode when we confront the question:
This is an essay question, isn't it? Is there partial credit?
Okay, enough with being a smart ass. As I said in the comments, 12 step programs have helped me to become more spiritual. This is what 12 step programs are all about becoming spiritual. Alcoholics Anonymous is a "spiritual program of action." This really turns a lot of people off. But I was at my wits end. So, me being an atheist decided that I needed to disspence with the arrogance and consider spirtuallity as a possible solution. Notice I say spirtuallity and not religion, Jesus Christ, Budha, Reverend Jim Jones, Big Bad Bob the Albino, or any cult or anything like that.
Prior to this I thought all that God stuff Budha stuff and the like was for the weak minded. However, I now look at it in a different light. Here is my reasoning:
The 12 step program is a way of dealing with addiction to Alcohol, drugs, sex, you name it. I believe my addiction stems from anxiety, fear, loneliness, and/or psychological pain in general. I believe this psychological pain comes from the uncertainty of survival. In other words, I am literally afraid for my life. For me, every pain I have can be traced back to my fear for survival.
The way I calm this fear is to drink, drug, have sex, you name it. In these conditions, I literally gain serenity. That's what you get when drink, That's what I get when I have sex, especially after. In fact, that's what I get when I am accepted by that very special someone who I believe is the answer to my dreams, who makes me feel needed, who makes me feel loved. When I don't have this, my survival is in question.
I understand that my survival depends on my ability to produce at work. Well, what if I don't like my work. That's kind of a problem. The other thing is that my ability to produce at work is subject to opinion. Do the people that sign my paycheck value the work I do. All these things kind of come into play. Add to this that I was told from the time I was born that I was a worthless shit and a dumb bastard. So right off the bat, I don't believe I have the ability to produce. I don't believe I have value to other people. But it is through other people that my survival depends on. This is a lot of fucking pain to deal with. I think I'll have a drink. I think I'll see a prostitute. - or whatever. Once I do this I get some sense of "everything being okay" for a little while. This sense of "everything being okay." is almost euphoric compared to the standard, "I have no right to be alive." or "at any moment my life is going to go into the shitter." I learn very quickly that Alcohol, drugs, sex makes me feel okay in this very uncertain world.
The spirtuallity aspect tells us that in a very natural way, all of us will be cared for. Once you gain a "visceral" understanding of this you then get the same thing that you got artificially through seeing prostitutes, having the nice car, taking drugs, buying lots of stuff, eating, or what ever.
The thing of it is, is that "ALL OF US WILL BE CARED FOR BY A HIGHER POWER" as long as we work this spiritual program of action. Yes, it is contingent on you working the program, the 12 steps. I have found this to be true so far. I must have faith though.
To me when I first heard this I thought that this kind of sounds like "motherhood and apple pie" and crap like that. But I am finding that this is the case - when I work the program. Because it is when I work the program that I can then really start to believe on a very basic/fundamental level that everything will be okay. So there is no need to fuck over my neighbor. There is no need to be disrespectful to women. There is no "need" to have the nicest car. There is no need to send my kids to "the best schools" in order to keep up with the Dasouza's (My wife's neighbors) No, everything is fine just as it is.
Okay, I am not there yet. Very few of us are but this is my goal. I have seen glimpses of this. I have had real tangible experiences with this to know that this is what I definitely need to be doing. This is why when my wife says, I want everything you have and I do not want you to have any type of a life after our divorce, I say in responce, I will try to meet you as closely on this as I possibly can. I know that what she wants is not in line with spiritual principles and I know that I will be taken care of. What happens to her and what she ultimately gets is her own business. But mine is that, after all is said and done, as long as I am working my program I will be happy.
It is for all of this that I am truely grateful. I really am. I have gone through a tremendous amount of pain these last few days - this last weekend, even for several hours today. Never-the-less, I feel good, I feel content. Everything in my life right now is okay. It is fine. I live in a wonderful house, have an excellent roommate, just had coffee and excellent conversation with two wonderful friends at Macy's, listened to some excellent music, came home and wrote this - was inspired to write this to a wonderful beautiful person - you know who you are. And all is well. I am grateful. Thank you God.
It is through 12 step that I am understanding gratitude and how absolutely wonderful gratitude can be. Six months ago, I so did not get it! I will say though that all the seeds had been planted by that time. That's is what 12 step has done for me personally It has allowed me to believe for at the very least brief periods of time that every thing will be okay and therefore I do not need to seek the services of a prostitute or a 12 pack of beer hit of crack to "feel like every thing will be okay." It's much better than that; I know everything will be okay!
Join us for our next episode when we confront the question:
"Who is this "God" person anyway?"
1 comment:
So who is this God person anyway?
lol
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