Valerie

Valerie is back up on the radar.

Could I just keep this in perspective in my head.  Please.  I think the answer to that is no.  So now I am obsessing a bit about Valerie.

So she has a post up about wanting someone to tune her bike(s)  I am sure she'll get plenty of takers.  Unfortunately I won't be one of them because I don't have the tools.  This will be how she gets her next boyfriend.  Uhg. . .

I saw her at the Sat morning.  When the meeting was over she went right to Greg to start talking to him.  Actually she was sitting next to him on the couch.  "Well that's it.  They're hooking up.",  I thought.  Greg is getting a divorce.  More on Greg at some point other than he is an excellent study in narcissism.

We Will Intuitively Know How to Handle Situations That Used to Baffle Us.

Really?  I don't know what to do here.  I am baffled.  I have this desire to date her.  I don't feel it is right to just come out and ask for the same reason I didn't feel it was right to come out and ask Wendy to date me.

So I go to my car and when I come back she is talking to a guy named John.  John talks with all the women after meetings.  He's doing what I want to do.  I don't know his last name but he showed up around 2008 at the ACoA meeting.  Maybe 2007.  When Wendy and I were dating before I moved in with her John would talk with her after the meetings she went to without me.  Actually after the SLAA meeting shut down Wendy and I did not go to any meetings together.  I am really digressing here.  Anyway one of the times he was talking with her John asked Wendy if she would take him to a colonoscopy.  I so totally get that.  One of the ways to check and then possibly generate interest with a woman you are interested in is to ask them to do something for you.  The classic form of this is getting a ride to the airport.  Wendy said she couldn't but she did ask me if she could have when she was telling me about it.  Would I have minded?  I didn't because I was so secure with Wendy.  I think John found out we were dating and he never asked her again.  Oh yeah.  I knew what he was doing.  But she was my babe!  After that he became known at Colonoscopy John.  I think I am paying for that one now.

So there I was Saturday and he and she were in the entrance way and he was working it.  Or at least that's what I am thinking he was doing. Probably because like I said, that's what I want to do but I really can't.  She glanced at me and that was about it.  I go back and forth a couple of more times until the my other meeting starts where I walk in with some of the other guys in the meeting so that she can see that I am there for a reason other than to hang around to talk to her.  The other thing is that I am hoping she sees that I go to a meeting with nothing but guys where she might think I am really serious about my recovery.  Which, of course, brings up the question, am I?

Some texting with Valerie.

This has gotten disaster written all over it doesn't it.

Oct 07 9:06pm

Hi Andy,
Sorry I didn’t get a chance to talk to you this morning. It was good to see you at the meeting. Hope you are doing well

So this text makes me feel so good. Wow, just out of the blue she texts me. Total ego shot. So I text her back.

Oct 07 9:24pm

Hi Valerie,
Yeah, I was thinking this might be your weekend to work. I liked your share. I realized that friendships with those in program are the safest. And attempted friendships with those outside are not as safe which is why I am sitting here kind of licking my wounds. It was nice to see you as well. I will be up with my son in Durango next weekend. I hope that one of these Saturdays we'll be able to talk after the meeting. Hope you are doing well also. Sorry for the long text.

After this text I didn't get anything back. "Let go", I tell myself. And so I do.

Oct 21 4:16pm

Hi Andy,
I thought I had replied to your last txt. Sorry about that. How are you?

So two weeks later I get this text. However; in the previous text there was really nothing to respond to.

Oct 21 4:28pm

Hi Valerie, That's okay. Thanks for asking. It's nice to hear from you. I am doing well. How are you?

So I text her back again. This time I had asked a question but got no response Again, I tell myself to let go and so I do.

Oct 28 1:16pm

Hi Valerie, I responded to your text last Saturday. I am wondering if you got it. Was going to ask you this morning at the meeting. It was nice to see you. Hope you are doing well.

Oct 28 1:29pm

I did! I’m so sorry I didn’t reply. I’ve been super scattered and not feeling well. I had hope to talk with you after and was meaning to txt you today when we didn’t get to talk.

Oct 28 1:56pm

No problem, I understand. I was just wondering. Sorry to hear you aren't feeling well. hope that changes. I am pretty scattered myself.. I have a wonderful scattered story - might share that next sat. Hope we get a chance to talk at some point.

Oct 28 2:04pm

I’m on my way to the women’s meeting. Could I call you later this afternoon?

Oct 28 2:06pm

Sure, Would enjoy talking if you get the chance.

Oct 28 6:46pm

If you’d like to add me on Facebook, feel free. Valerie Ellis Brazzell

Oct 28 6:48pm

Okay. I will do that.

Still she writes nothing; not since "I didn't quit"

It's a beautiful Sunday morning.  There isn't a cloud in the sky.  It has actually been this way for about 28 days now.  The need to TCB seems to be low.  Thank you G-d.  Probably because I got a call from Sheila.  I also got a call from Valerie yesterday.  We talked for quite a bit.  That was nice.

The need to TCB went high and now is low. . . .

I thought I would write soooo much today.  I wrote next to nothing.  And now it is time for the meeting.  And now I feel like writing.

And so I didn't write.  Of course, I am writing this now at work two days later (10/31/2017)  I want to respond to her post but I am so fucking afraid to.  I would so love to communicate back and forth and talk about how fucked up her life is.  And talk about how fucked up my life is.  Which of course it is not but my brain really wants me to think it is.

There appears to be a theme here

of late.

This is because of her posts and now I am obsessing about posting a comment on her blog.  Here's the thing about posting a comment on her blog though.  Once I post the comment, I will be looking for a comment back. This obsession will dwarf the one I have now.

Three things can happen:

1.) She comments back
2.) She blocks me
3.) She ignores me.

Not sure which is worse: option 2 or option 3.  I guess blocking me settles the question once and for all; ignoring me, leaves it open ended; no closure.

Posted again.

She posted again yesterday - two days in a row.

It seemed to be a more positive post like the last one.  The first line of her post was about not posting about someone on facebook due to anonymity issues at work.  This of course was like "game on" for me to find her facebook page which I accomplished in about 5 minutes.  Hence my previous post.

So yeah, what would I like to write to her in a comment on one of her posts

This is what I might write on her most current post.  "So, you pray for God's will?  Just ran across your blog.  (Clicked on the  "Next Blog" thingy in the tool bar and your blog came up.) I do the same thing.  Pray to what ever is out there to see if I should be doing what I am doing."

I think I will post more on the townsend blog first.  I want to post the "gotta gotta gotta get out if you wanna get it" video so I look really cool to her.  I say as I sit on my fat ass getting fatter.

I think it would be fun to start talking with her again.

Blogger Girl

I feel like such a stalker.  I'm not!  Really, I'm not!

https://www.facebook.com/MissMyraJane

It's two o'clock

and the sun is lighting up the inside of the house through the back windows.

This makes me anxious because half the day is gone and I haven't done anything.

I think I will crash out again.

Done.

She wrote again today.  It started out weird.  There was no title for the post and the first sentence assumed prior knowledge by the reader on the subject at hand which is a place of employment.  "Been working there for the last month. . . . ", the sentence starts as if the read knows where "there" is.  Like most of her sentences it is a fragment.  Never-the-less she seems to write well (yeah, like I can judge)  I don't believe she is educated beyond high school.  I mean, I can understand what she is talking about.  That's the point really, isn't it?

Anyway, she starts out talking about her back going out and ends up talking about a creepy Mexican dude that wants to kidnap her and take her to Mexico.  She asks an interesting question at the end.  "Why do the creeps always find me out."  I think what she means is why do I always attract the creeps?

I hope I am not one of those "creeps".  I don't want to be - a creep that is.

Another Video

Once again, a number of weeks ago.  I guess it would be three weeks ago.  The whole incident with Vicky Cullen happened.  I want to preface the video that I am going to put up on youtube with that incident.  I am starting to see the incident as kind of a hit in the head - a smack up side the face if you will. . .

I don't want to go into the specifics of what happened.  I want to talk about the fact that I went on a date, I was ready to go down the rabbit hole to crazy town with this woman, and I got hurt.  Fortunately, I got hurt before I began the descent into the hole.  Two weekends after that incident I along with my ex-wife and two other sons went to Durango to visit my oldest son at college.

Here goes:

So about two weeks prior to this video I had a fairly mean trick played on me.  It's my own fault.  I walked right into it.  It's hard to know if it was actually intentional.  Anyway, it stung quite a bit.  I felt foolish and ashamed - and, for good reason.  I had lost my way a bit.  I had gotten distracted.  And in that distraction I fell right into somebody's manipulative plan.  It is  quite apparent that that person is living a pretty fucked up life and I almost got sucked into it.

The weekend that this video was shot was parent's weekend at Fort Lewis College.  I spent the weekend with my three boys and my ex-wife.  It was a comforting, warm, and fun weekend with lots of laughter and play.  It was a weekend that helped me refocus.

Moved this Blog

So I moved this blog from book-of-floyd to the address you see in the address bar.

Why did I do this?

So a number of weeks ago I confided in a coworker about this blog.  This is the first person I have given the info to about this blog.  For what ever reason it kind of felt safe to do so.  And I think it is still "safe" to have her read it.  I confided with her about a lot of stuff that is in this blog - primarily the sex addiction and all that it entails.  She said she really wanted to read it.  She said she likes reading other people's blogs.  I thought, "Yeah it might be pretty good reading for her."

Why did I decide to let her read my blog?

The answer to this is the same as my answer to why I moved the blog.  Ego.

So now I keep looking in my statcounter to see if she has been reading it.  She read quite a bit of it the day I told her about it but then the following day she hooked up with the guy she works with.  So now she is doing what I would be doing and that is fucking.
.
.
.
all the time.

Yep, there is a lot of envy here.  I would like to be in a new relationship where I am fucking all the time.   And yes, there is a tiny bit of jealousy here as well - she is cute and young and all that but she ain't Monika who by the way is moving to another location and I will never see her again - disappointing but it's for the best I am sure.

Never-the-less I still keep going back to the fucking statcounter site to see if she (not Monika) has looked at the blog.  She hasn't - not since that day.

Question still remains: Why did I move the blog.  Well,  Now I know she can't get to it.  So there is no need to look at statcounter anymore.  I will still look of course just to see if anyone is looking at this stupid fucking journal which is still my ego.

Finished the Socks for Sheila

Parents Weekend

Hi,

I am actually putting our e-mail correspondence in my book of floyd blog.  I do that from time to time.  This is one of those times.

So things went better than anticipated with her but I gotta be careful not to read anything into "what ever happened up there."

I got this text from her as I was getting just approaching the peaks from the north:

"Hi. We made it home. Coulda made it in 5.5 hrs but we stopped and ate. It was a fun weekend."

We will now do an analysis of the text.  "What could it possibly?" mean we are wondering.

The first part seems fairly straight forward "Hi."  A salutation.  The salutation precedes the rest of the text.  It is short for "Hello"  She could have just started in with, "We made it home. . . "  but instead she delivers a salutation as her point of entry into a correspondence.  I think in this case, the "Hi." signals to me  that she is starting the beginning of a new correspondence "thread" if you will. . . 

Right now you are probably thinking. "Oh no, he might be over thinking this a bit?"  If it were me I would be thinking, "You gotta effing be kidding me!"  (Since you're going off to be a Nun for 6 months I will hold back on the curse words, especially the Ef bombs.  Although when I say "effing" you are thinking "fucking" so I am not sure how sensitive I am really being.)  I was just joking with that amount of detail. Sooooo.....

I will abbreviate the analysis to:

1.) She sent me a text she was home.

2.) She told me about the time it took

3.) She said it was a fun weekend

1.) She didn't have to text and usually doesn't (sometimes she does sometimes she doesn't - send me a text that is) So this doesn't really mean anything.

2.) We had talked about the time it takes to get to Durango from each place (Boulder and Flag)  I have said in the past that it takes 5 hours from Flag.  I always thought Flag was closer.  She believes it takes the same time - This second statement may be an indication of a little "rivalry" between us.  (By the way it took me 4.75 hours to get from Durango to Flag.  I did not point that out to her. She actually is a bit competitive.  I do not want to bring that up.

3.) She has mentioned she has had good times in our "family outings" in the past so this does not mean much.

Conclusion:  She happened to remember to text me so she did.  Basically the text really doesn't mean anything at all other than the information it communicates.

The biggest thing that happened over the weekend was the picture.  The boys and I walked down this "slew."  That is what we were calling it.  It was actually an aqueduct.  Basically it is a wooden trough that carries water from Cascade Creek to a "tunnel" further down the hill side.  Across the top, joists span the trough from side to side and are spaced about a foot apart.  Running across these joists are three two by six planks arranged side by side to form a walk way on top of and down the center of the trough.  

We walked down the aqueduct to the source (Cascade Creek) which was about a quarter mile.  And then we walked back.  We were just coming off the duct and She was standing there with her phone in the "camera - picture taking position."  I started to exit the field of view and she said, "No, get back in.  I want to get a picture of you guys."  That felt good.

When we got back to the air bnb she wanted to go for an interpretive hike up by the college.  Of course, none of the boys wanted to do that.  I wanted to go for a hike along the river and the train tracks to get some more video and pictures of the train.  The kids wanted to go with me.  This, of course, made me feel good.  And I think it may have had an affect on her.  Basically, it was the boys going out to play on the railroad tracks.  And so we did and it was fun.   I did get some more cool pictures.

I eventually got a text from her asking where we had gone - mean she was back from her hike.  The train had just gone by and I got more video and pictures and we went out to eat.  That was also fun.  I did end up having two beers as I told you on the phone and they hit me pretty hard.  She can handle that a lot better than I can.  There is no way I could have driven.  But we had a really good time that night. 

That's All

Peace Out

A little ampped up tonight. or This is what happened with Vicky

In reference to the post a while back about Vicky Cullen.  We met for a hike on North Table mountain and then went to this blue grass concert at a brewery.  She considered it a date.  I did not.  When I found out she did then I went along.  What the fuck, why not.

Out of the entire episode with her this is what kinda gets me

Let me start with a short recap of the episode.  We meet on facebook - old schoolmates from grade school no less.  Eventually we make plans to meet in Golden.  We meet for a hike and then lunch at a brewery.  I discover she considers our meeting a date so I go along. - hook, line, and sinker.  We get to talking.

The next thing is important.  Some of my videos on facebook are on my youtube channel.  She looks through the videos and one them she watches is of me and Wendy walking to the Taco Shack.  It was probably two years ago to the day as I am writing this.  When this video was taken Wendy's time on the planet was less than two months.  Anyway Vicky (I'm sorry I think Victoria is a stupid fucking pretentious name. - yes I know - me being bitter - whatever) starts talking about that video and how much it "touched" her.  As she is talking about it there is a little thing in the back of my mind that I am not really paying attention to.  The little thing I guess is some sort of warning that indicated I was being played.  Never-the-less this appeals to my ego that it drowns out the warning buzzer and down the rabbit hole I fall.  At then end of our meeting she says she wants me to tell her when I am coming up again.  I agree to do so.

A couple weeks later I go back up there for a wilderness medical class and on that Saturday morning I see pictures of her and her ex with just his name written for the caption.  There were three of these posts and they were met for me.

So yes it hurts that she does not want to go out with me or that she used me to make the boyfriend that dumped her jealous.  It worked.  I really gotta take that in.  If the guy had any self esteem he would have just looked at the post of us on face book and said "So what?"  But no he actually found my presence in her life threatening. (He's just a sucker with no self esteem - the great poet Dexter Holland)

What really gets me is she looked at that video of me and Wendy both of us in a tremendous amount of pain and then used that on me.

So I gotta not go there.  I am going to have to talk about this with someone like a licensed professional.

E-mail Exchange (what I would say to the X)

Email to Beth:

I sent this to the unnamed ex let me know what you think:

"I am sorry for my reaction on the phone when we talked on Sunday night.  Yes I was a bit disappointed.  I have had a number of things happen lately that have felt somewhat "abandoning" which of course you were not doing.  I was looking forward to having us be more somewhat like a family.  I definitely was not expecting anything.  I hope you understand this.

To allay any concerns you have - you need not make anything "crystal clear" with me.  I do understand there might be others in your life as well as the kids that could misinterpret us staying in the same VRBO.

I have always believed and continue to do so that it would be a huge mistake to develop anything more than a working friendship to raise the three boys.  I was hoping to establish a bit more of a "friendship" where you would be part of the resources I am trying to gather for some support during the upcoming months.  I can see that would not be a good idea.

Although it has been very supportive to talk with you as friends and see the kids more often it is turning out not to be that practical.  It is stressful for you when you have to find a place to stay.  I don't have the money for a hotel.  And, it appears the kids and others important to you in your life may be getting the wrong idea.  So I guess I would like to go back to me visiting when ever you are able and want to get away.  I think it used to be maybe 4 to 6 times a year.

Also now that the kids have phones we probably really don't need to talk that much anymore. I don't want to know about issues going on with the kids (like what Adam is going through) as it is a bit too stressful for you.  It is really none of my business anyway and my influence on them at this point in their lives is negligible.

I guess all in all, it would probably be best just to go back to the way it was before Wendy and I got together.  Really the only thing I can do is what I have done in the past; keep steady with the child support payments and talk to the kids whenever they have time."

From Beth

Subject: Re: I sent this to the unnamed ex let me know what you think.

I'd say you made your feelings "crystal clear."  I'll be really interested to see how she responds.

I'm coming down with something.  Achy and very nauseous.  I think that's all the feedback I can give now.

To Beth

I'm sorry I did not send that I thought that that might be obvious there's no way I would send something like that I was just ranting there's some elements of that that I might talk to her about and tell her.

From Beth

Oh.  I've been puking through every orifice you can puke through.  (That would be one plus a pair, but it sounds more dramatic the other way.)  It's distracting me from paying close attention to other things.

To Beth:

Oh this so calls for a reply.  I cannot believe your self-centeredness.  OMG!  Your letting a little thing like blowing out both ends distract you from my tradgic life.  Now I know what kind of friend you are!   Actually I realized in my last missive to you that I did not wish you a speedy recovery.   So I got on my e-mail to do so and found your e-mail.  This sounds serious.   Could you let me know tomorrow how you are.   I hope it's nothing serious.

From Beth:

sure. thx for the laugh

To Beth:

How are you doing today?

From Beth:

I can't eat yet, but I'm not nearly so miserable as I was.  The nausea and body aches started calming down some this morning.  I didn't get much sleep so I'll probably just stay in bed today.  I predict I'll be up and almost normal by tomorrow.

To Beth:

My brain seems to be doing better.  This is kind of an odd statement because it is, in fact, my brain that is writing these words you are reading.  I am really working on trying to figure out what is so fucking bad about my situation.  I am not coming up with any good answers.  This, I think, is a good thing.

I am pissed that I feel so fucking awful and hopeless all because I am alone.  I don't understand it.  I have been asking Wendy to give me the shift that she talked about.  A shift where all the sudden I am okay with be alone.  I mean I am just fine when I climb.  In fact, I'd rather not have anybody with me when I climb.

keep continuing to feel better.

Floyd

From Beth:

Have you ever felt okay being alone?  I think you were during that time when you were hanging with Frank.

I have felt okay being unpartnered in the past, but I had one or more kids living with me.  That changed last year and it felt awful.  But I'm really doing okay now.  I go to more meditation groups and meetings.  And, of course, I have the time at the abbey coming up.  That kind of keeps me occupied.  

I'm glad you have your 14ers.  That's been an amazing adventure in your life!

To Beth:

Actually to be honest I think it would be really cool to be okay with not wanting to have someone else in my life.  That is the way I am out on the mountains.

This is new thinking that just occurred to me in the last couple of days.  Last night for the first time I asked the question:

"Why can't I be alright without anybody in my life?"

 As soon as I asked that question that panicky feeling lessened.  I think it mostly has to do with shame.  So when I am around other couples doing all the things that couples do I feel a sense of shame that I am alone.

There is this woman at work - the 24 year old I talked to you about.  She asked me that question last Thursday, "Why do you need to be in a relationship with someone."  and said right after that, "See I am totally okay with no one in my life."  However, she and someone she works with closely had been making overtures to one another for some time and they ended up "connecting up" over this last weekend.  I went to a meeting with them yesterday and they behaved like a "new couple."  Yeah, You know.  Fortunately, I was able to find a way to cut the meeting short and got the fuck out of there before I threw up.

Before Wendy and I got together, I wanted to get into a relationship.  I did feel lonely and all that crap but was okay with not being in one. . .  somewhat.  I was in my early 40's then.  Now I am old and I think of Frank and how he could never get into a relationship after he was 50 and that just freaks me out.  I knew a lot of people including you that would tell me shit like the "24 year old"  would tell me - "You can be just fine without being in a relationship"  These people were probably never "not in a relationship" for more than a couple of months.  You have since had that experience and more recently the experience I have had multiple times in my life - living alone - "for reals"  Basically she totally has no idea of what she is talking about.   She can't even remotely relate.  The fact is, is that most people can't do it.  Because I am so introverted (and Wendy was also) I may not have that choice.  I don't have a whole lot going for me other than I appear to be good at making ex-boyfriends jealous.

So, why can't I be alright without anybody in my life?  I've been talking with Wendy about the issue.  So I will keep asking Wendy to give me that shift.

E-mail exchange with Beth

Okay, so I called her this morning, told her I had not heard back since last Thurs, that I texted her yesterday, and was wondering if she was alright.  I usually wake up at 6:30 and go out to the rocking chair and listen to music.  I decided to give her a call then and that is the message I left. Then went back to listening to music.  About five minutes later my phone buzzes.  It was her.

Remember how you would say, "Well this is it. I am never going to hear from Roy again only to have a couple of days go by and ring ring ring.

Yeah, well. . . . . 

There must be something to why we do this.  It may be a way of getting to acceptance - letting go.  The more I say it, especially to someone else, the more I start to believe it. Once I believe it then I have something "real" to let go of.  The strategy does pay off.  It did with Victoria. 

As an aside - What a pretentiously stupid sounding fucked up name.  I have to say I did have a hard time hearing myself say that word.  I always had this little bit of a cringe after the word "Victoria" was done ringing in my ears.  Sour Grapes? you bet, I will cop to it. Okay, done with the rant.

Needless to say I was relieved when my phone buzzed and saw her name.  It would appear her universe does not center around me though.  She says her husband is going to the coast someplace like North or South Carolina to get away to think.  He says he is going alone but she thinks, "the thing from Columbus" as she calls his girlfriend is going with him.  I can't help it but something's not adding up.  I mean, isn't it a given that his girlfriend would be going with him at this point?  After what I've been through with Jenna and Victoria, I am a bit suspicious of everything now.

It is nice to just connect with someone that is not male.

Do I still feel like I did last night? No. Never-the-less I still feel like the universe is fucking with me.  And apparently I have a bit of fear going into the end of this year and into next winter.  Last night I was feeling the way I felt last winter.  Last winter talking with you would relieve that feeling.  Last night that feeling was not relieved.  Maybe it is because I know you will be gone for 6 months so you will be useless to me. . . . It's a good thing I am not self centered and not view the closest ones to me as mere objects.  Seriously though that may have something to do with it.  I am sure Roy will totally freak the fuck out and call you before well before you leave.  I am betting you will be with him on December 6th when you should be at the very least on the phone with me!

I really dread December 6th.

That's all

Peace out

Floyd
________________________________________

From Beth

Maybe you're like I am.  I'll do anything not to get blind-sided.  I'd rather live in a hellish delusion that's "safe" than a happy, optimistic state which risks an occasional chance of being blind-sided by someone who acted like they cared but I later found didn't.  Getting suckered.  It happened too many times to count in my younger life.  After which would come the anger, not at the manipulative person who deserved it, but at myself. "Of course they didn't really care about you.  What kind of stupid idiot are you, thinking someone would really care?  Don't you know better than that by now?"  Oh, how I despise getting suckered.  It's like getting caught naked by someone jeering.

The basic defense?  Don't ever trust anyone who says they care.  Just figure it's impossible that that could happen once they really get to know you.  And bolster that by never being attracted to anyone who really is dependable and might make you believe, over time, that this one is different.  

So are you suspicious of Sheila when she says she only wonders if the GF is going?  That doesn't sound suspicious to me.  She would like to believe her husband isn't lying to her.  Maybe he does want to get away from them both.  Maybe the GF is becoming a PIA.  Did he tell Sheila that he was finished with the marriage?  Are they getting divorced?  (You probably told me this, but I don't remember.)   I have a friend -- you remember, my friend "Job," who lost her marriage, her job, her home, and her daughter died -- anyway, her husband left her after 36 yrs for a much younger woman.  They divorced and he moved in with the woman and finally married her.  Now after committing himself to the new one, he's talking about leaving her.  So sexy, exciting "other women" can become PIA's if you stay with them.

It sounds like your judgement is pretty right on.  You were on to J & V.  And S is not like them.

I haven't talked on the phone with Roy and he hasn't called since I asked him not to.  He did start emailing me when I was in SD and still is.  But I'm kinda like Sheila's husband.  I'm going to Nova Scotia to reset my brain.  I don't really want to bring any more mind baggage with me.  So staying unpartnered sounds right to me.

Glad you heard back,

The Useless Object

Not Hearing from Sheila is freaking me out? WTF?

This is just background prior to the next post.  I had talked to Beth last night before and was concerned that I would not hear from Sheila again.  I was certain I wouldn't hear from her again - my usual catastrophizing self.  She said I should either text or call to see if she is alright.

This is kind of weird because the whole issue of "her not contacting me" does not seem to matter that much now.

Miss Myra

She's the girl in the story.  There isn't a story really.  It is just more of a description of a scene.  The scene is one of desolation where she and I are traveling together.  When we talked way back in 2006. . . well, not talked but communicated through this blog through my writing and our comments back and forth which are still here for all to read.  Wow, that is a serious run on sentence. . . . .fragment.
When we were communicating back in 2006 she knew I was writing about her.  Her relationship with her husband was falling apart and she was having sort of an emotional affair with a fireman.  Me, I was just waiting to get divorce papers from my wife.

Anyway, Miss Myra posted today about a fight she had with her husband last night.  From this post I learned that she did get a divorce from her then husband and has since remarried.  I don't know if her current husband is the "fireman" guy or not.  I sort of think it would be cool if he was.  Yeah, I know, I am sick.  Because at the time this guy was kind of like "Lance Manyon" and I was well, me.   And now he is a total fucking looser and I am, . . .well, me.  I don't think I am a looser but I sure do feel like one sometimes.

So I did make another blog, with a totally different username and title and all that stuff.  There is probably a way she could get back to this blog and discover that it is Floyd from eleven years ago that is reading her stuff but I am not that tech savvy and I know she isn't.

I was thinking about commenting on her blog.  I would tell her something like, "I just ran across your blog a while back." which is a total fucking lie.  I mean I haven't been stalking her over the years.  In fact I forgot all about her until I did a google search on this blog and one of her comments on this blog came up.  I then clicked on the link and discovered she was posting again.  I would tell her something like, "It is good to see you write.  Don't you find it therapeutic?"  which isn't a lie.  Then I would say something like, "I think writing may lessen the chance of you ending your relationship because really that would be kind of horrible." which, of course, would be a totally dazzling lie. But I would say this to allay any concerns she might have about some anonymous guy commenting on her blog - like a fucking stalker which I don't think I am.  Seriously I am way too lazy to do shit like that.  So she wouldn't block me straight out.  The other thing is that she would look at my blog and see what I look like.  My picture is there.  She might remember who I am but then maybe not.  Anyway, if she can see my picture as apposed to some sort of avatar that would lessen the "creep" factor.  I mean I am not a creep.  Hmmm.  Isn't that what a creep would say?

I only have a couple of posts in that blog but they show me climbing and me talking about my late wife so that might lessen the creep factor even more.  To be fucking crystal clear, I do not want to ever meet her in person or get into any kind of emotional affair because I think she is sort of bat shit crazy.

She lives in Michigan which is kind of my M.O.  I am attracted to women that either live a million miles away from me or women that would have nothing to do with me or both.  She fits into the "both" category.

But it sure would be nice to write back and forth again.  The idea is I would sign into google under my alter-ego -  actually Floyd Hill is my alter - ego which would make the other one my alter alter ego.  Oh yes, . . . there is more of me out there.

From the past - The greatest loss - really?

The greatest loss, really!?

Holly fucking fish face, that'll learn me.  There is no way I am going to say the loss of Wendy was/is the greatest loss in my life.  Because when the "Universe" hears this it says, "Game on motherfucker!"

This post is totally fucking stupid

But I will leave it up anyway.  It is really embarrassing to read but I am leaving it up because, for what ever reason, I do not feel this way anymore and this is a good thing, . . . I guess.  This post is me throwing a temper tantrum. (written 10/17/2017)
___________________________________

10/5/2017:
Finally confided  (don't worry I got three months left) with my massage therapist this evening.  Growing old is not on my agenda.  Life feels very punishing.  If you believe in karma, and I do; it would appear I did a lot of bad shit in the past.  Although I have to admit I am having a hard time trying to figure out what the fuck is it that I did to have it coming back at me like this.  In my opinion I think karma's got an unwarranted hard-on for me.  So I think I am going to have to punch out.

So I confided with my massage therapist that I want to go try and catch up with Wendy this January.  Actually it will be on December 6th, two years from the date she died.  I mean really what the fuck am I doing.  I've pretty much done everything I wanted to do.

The video above is my hike up Little Bear on Aug 27.  It was totally awesome being up there. At the beginning when you look down either side of the knife edge it is around 1500 ft.  It is a total head rush probably because the consequences are rather severe.  I think that when climbers have accidents up there, they go out doing what they love to do.  I also think that although it is sad, family members know this too and ultimately come away with a good feeling about what happened to their loved one.

I find this to be a bit relieving - the pain is going to end soon

I have always been here

I have always looked out from behind these eyes

It feels like more than a lifetime

Feels like more than a lifetime

Sometimes I get tired of the waiting

Sometimes I get tired of being in here

Is this the way it has always been?

Could it ever have been different?

Do you ever get tired of the waiting?

Do you ever get tired of being in there?

Don't worry, nobody lives forever,

Nobody lives forever

So long Vicky WTF

Conversation with Vicky Cullen

Hi Victoria, this is Andy. I will be up there Thursday afternoon September 14 thru Sunday morning the 17th. I should be pretty flexible. Let me know if you're available - when and where. Aug 29 2017 9:51 AM Hi Andy! I work that Thurs and Friday. Maybe we could meet up in Golden Saturday for a lil hike, then lunch? (I'm actually a slow hiker, warning! ) Table mountain or white ranch? area? Lemme know if you think of someplace better. Looking forward to it! - Victoria Cullen Schorle Aug 30 2017 9:52 AM Hi Victoria, a short hike and then lunch would be great. North table right off of 93 would work. Do not worry about hiking slow at all. Looking forward to talking! Let me know what time on Saturday would work. Aug 31 2017 8:32 AM Hi Victoria, a short hike and then lunch would be great. North table right off of 93 would work. Do not worry about hiking slow at all. Looking forward to talking! Let me know what time on Saturday would work. Aug 31 2017 8:33 AM Hello Andy! I could probably make it between 11am-12pm Saturday? Unless that's too early. But, hey,if you get sick of me and wanna end it early. ...you'll still have some day left! ?!!!:-D Seriously though, really looking forward to hanging out with you. Victoria - Victoria Cullen Schorle Aug 31 2017 5:17 PM Awesome!!! I have an out!! ----- Please give me a break. You are too funny. That time would work just fine! We only have 40 or so years of stuff that has happened in our lives so we might run out of stuff to talk about. . . . We'll manage though. I am looking forward to catching up with you as well. Aug 31 2017 6:59 PM Andy,do you like bluegrass type music? There's a great lil festival happening in Golden this Saturday that we could check out! (Beer too! ) I tried tagging you to the link I posted on my Facebook page, but it didn't work. You'll see it on my FB page to click. "Wanderfest"?...Really looking forward to meeting up with you soon! Victoria - Victoria Cullen Schorle Sep 13 2017 11:17 AM Just got this. think we got it worked out thru FB. cu at 11:30, north table mountain on sat! Sep 13 2017 1:22 PM Yes!. ..and I must confess that I really like the bands playing in the evening. May be dancing for awhile! (I totally dance by myself ALL the time! , but I hope you like the music! ) - Victoria Cullen Schorle Sep 13 2017 1:26 PM Yeah, The only dancing I really do is negotiating my way over ridges at around 14000 ft. i really havent uh danced in quite some time. Sep 13 2017 1:35 PM Ha! That's the REAL dancing! Can't wait to hear about it. (I really only sway to the music)....this work thing now. ...sorry. ...chat more Saturday! - Victoria Cullen Schorle Sep 13 2017 1:52 PM Good morning Andy! Would you mind terribly if we moved our meeting time to noon? :-! Victoria - Victoria Cullen Schorle Sep 16 2017 7:23 AM No, not at all. Sep 16 2017 7:44 AM Cool. You'll be with a better person, due to me going to my yoga! - Victoria Cullen Schorle Sep 16 2017 7:51 AM Be centered! 😀 Sep 16 2017 7:59 AM Okay Andy you might as well get to know the real me right away. I am running 15 minutes late. I know that is disrespectful but it is a problem I've been working on since I was 12 haha! So don't hurry I'll see you there soon - Victoria Cullen Schorle Sep 16 2017 10:48 AM I am about 5 minutes out anyway CU When U get there Sep 16 2017 11:02 AM :-) - Victoria Cullen Schorle Sep 16 2017 11:09 AM I had fun yesterday! We shared ALOT!!! ;) Perhaps we can hike again on one of your future trips up north. (Sorry, I can't promise anything more than that, but it was definitely nice yesterday! ) - Victoria Cullen Schorle Sep 17 2017 7:47 AM Sep 17 2017 7:50 AM On my way out of town but I totally understand what you mean and I really wouldn't be coming up here for anything else Sep 17 2017 7:50 AM Flat irons? Yes, we get each other well. Drive safely. - Victoria Cullen Schorle Sep 17 2017 8:00 AM Sorry, I read this while I was driving and totally missed the question. Yes, those are the Flatirons Sep 19 2017 8:04 AM Oops sent that too soon had more to say. I did make it back to Flag. Saturday was great - some special moments there. Once again thank you so much. Sep 19 2017 8:07 AM No, thank YOU! I really enjoyed our time together too. We have SO much in common...please let me know when you're coming up this way again. (Im gone from 9/28-10/2) - Victoria Cullen Schorle Sep 19 2017 3:54 PM No, thank YOU! I really enjoyed our time together too. We have SO much in common...please let me know when you're coming up this way again. (Im gone from 9/28-10/2) - Victoria Cullen Schorle Sep 19 2017 3:55 PM It will probably be the weekend of the 14th or the 21st. (October - this year) To make it a worth while trip I always come up on the thurs and leave on sun. Will let you know as plans firm up. Sep 19 2017 7:48 PM Cool. - Victoria Cullen Schorle Sep 19 2017 9:41 PM Hi Victoria, looking for something to listen to on the road. What is the name of the guy you thought would be good for me to hear? Never did get it into my phone - I don't multitask well. Sep 27 2017 8:43 PM Alan watts! Though he may be too sleepy. ...chat more soon. - Victoria Cullen Schorle Sep 28 2017 7:23 AM Thanks! Sep 28 2017 7:35 AM Hi Victoria, I am sorry but I was a bit crushed by your facebook post on Saturday morning. It made me realize that it would be inappropriate for me see you again. Plus, I really don't think Clark would appreciate you and I going on a hike or even just having coffee together and for me it would feel quite awkward knowing that you already have a boyfriend. Apparently I may have been a bit more invested in developing a relationship with you than I wanted to admit. Please know that despite all the talk when we were in Golden, I really wasn't expecting anything more than just hiking and talking should we have met again. Still, I had a wonderful time with you that day and Clark is a lucky dude. Hope he knows that! You two look really happy together. I wish you luck in all your future endeavors. - Andy Oct 3 2017 5:32 PM Oh Andy! You are a kindred spirit. We never really got to know each other, but you're more than a "friend". How else could we have SO much in common? That photo was from years ago and I was a bit tipsy, on a girl's trip in San Francisco when I posted it. We aren't"officially"back together as a couple yet, but leaning that way I guess. I know you didn't expect more than hiking. I'm confused, as usual, about you and I meeting up again. Clark probably wouldn't like it, you're right. Hell, I can do whatever. I do remember you saying you didn't want to be put in a friend zone though, right? ...could we just agree to stay in touch for now? - Victoria Cullen Schorle Oct 3 2017 5:59 PM Sure, we can keep in touch through our posts on facebook - not gonna unfriend you. I am probably going to take a bit of a hiatus from FB for a while though. Take care. Oct 4 2017 3:18 PM Ok. You too. - Victoria Cullen Schorle Oct 4 2017 3:24 PM

This conversation was forwarded via

Dumped

Vicky totally burned me on facebook (Date on this post is 10/17/2017)

Experience with Jenna repeated.  There is a reason why I was writing about Jenna prior to this.

Saturday morning before my NOLS medical class was to start I looked at facebook.  There I found three posts by Vicky (Victoria - sorry can't do that name for some reason - you can read about it in later posts)  The posts were of Vicky, her "ex" boyfriend and Vicky and her "ex" boyfriend)  The only thing mentioned in the status was his name "Clark Jackson"  To me the message was clear.