November 24th 1990

I know what I was doing on that morning.  Recovering from a hangover listening to Chrissy Hynde belt out Don't Get Me Wrong over and over - like from 8 or 9 am until around 1 pm.

I lived at 10312 West 80th Drive at the time:  The arrow and dot shows where I was rocking in the rocking chair repeatedly listening to that song.  And the following show the window of which I was looking out.

The night before my ex-wife gave me a lecture on drinking too much and how there was "no fucking way she was going to date a guy who did nothing but drink." (her words)  I didn't really drink at the time and said, "No Problem."  After which she said she said we could go out more.  After which we went to the Tivoli Brewing Company in downtown Denver and . . . well . . . got quite inebriated.  Despite the hangover, I was really giddy that morning.  And Don't Get Me Wrong reflected that wonderful feeling of new love.

Don't get me wrong

If I'm looking kind of dazzled

I see neon lights

Whenever you walk by

Don't get me wrong

If you say hello and I take a ride

Upon a sea where the mystic moon

Is playing havoc with the tide

Don't get me wrong

Don't get me wrong

If I'm acting so distracted

I'm thinking about the fireworks

That go off when you smile

Don't get me wrong

If I split like light refracted

I'm only off to wander

Across a moonlit mile

Once in awhile

Two people meet

Seemingly for no reason

They just pass on the street

Suddenly thunder, showers everywhere

Who can explain the thunder and rain

But there's something in the air

Don't get me wrong

If I come and go like fashion

I might be great tomorrow

But hopeless yesterday

Don't get me wrong

If I fall in the 'mode of passion'

It might be unbelievable

But let's not say so long

It might just be fantastic

Don't get me wrong

December 6th 2017

Beanie

It feels so hopeless.

Nov 29 9:29am

Hi Valerie, Hoping you're still wanting go for a walk on Sunday. Not sure about the weather but it rarely is an issue for me. We could do the same hike as last time or if you have another place in mind. . . Hope you are having a wonderful morning.

Nov 29 3:23pm

Andy,
I struggled with what was the “right” way to bring this to you. After giving myself some space to think about it i don’t feel comfortable going hiking this Sunday. I’m needing to shift gears from dating and go back to friendship. I’m in deep need of focusing on my program. I apologize for not coming to this realization before asking you out in the first place. I do still want to be friends and talk like we have been if you are still willing. And please know it’s not about my interest in you. In fact you are the only person I have dated since my marriage that has seemed safe, healthy and where it had potential to go anywhere. Unfortunately I just also happen to be aware of the fact that I am not safe, healthy or right in this moment.
Sincerely,
Valerie
P.S. I work Saturday so I’m hoping we will have time to maybe chat before the meeting

Nov 29 3:31pm

Valerie, I understand. I am still willing to talk when you want to of course. Thanks.

Nov 29 3:37pm

Thank you, Andy. That means a lot to me. I wanted to call or say it in person but even sending the txt had me in tears. Which is the same reason I decided going on the hike this weekend is not a good idea. I just came to this conclusion today.
I have been quite the emotional train wreck this past week and a half.

Nov 29 4:16pm

Sure, don't worry about the crying thing. I hope you don't feel so bad that you wouldn't want to talk to me at the meeting if there is time. It's okay.

Nov 29 3:51pm

No no. Just me and my disease imploding and over explaining everything. I’ll talk to you soon.

On this day in 2005

I returned from Colorado broken.  Not completely but enough.  I am actually sitting in the same room that I was sitting in on this day in 2005. . .

I Grieved and I still do.

I listened to the song above and the following two repeatedly. . . at work, in the car, at home, to get to sleep.  Tubular Bells and Love on a Real Train incessantly. .

At this time 12 years ago I was doing everything possible to hang on to what ever semblance of a mind I had left.

My Birthday

was yesterday.

missed connections

Kaki King's, "Bowen Island" is an instrumental played on a somewhat altered guitar. A thin piece of wood acting as a bridge/nut is placed on the 16th fret. It kind of gives her two guitars that sound like Japanese koto. The song is very relaxing and meditative. At 7:45 AM it lulls me in and out of sleep at the same time the wheels on the Airbus A320-200 heading to Columbus Ohio on which I am supposed to be are disappearing into the underbelly of the aircraft. I will not realize this for about another hour.

I could have sworn the itinerary said Monday, the 20th.

It couldn't miss.  The plan was sure fire.  Really, nothing could go wrong.  All it required was, at the very least, a partially functioning prefrontal cortex.

On 2017-11-15 3:56 pm Tara wrote:

On 2017-11-15 14:56, Tara wrote:

I would not invest hardly any emotional energy in someone who was dating around.  If I even decided to have a first date with such a person, it would be because I thought it would be fun and that I would be pretty sure not to get hung up on him.....or because I felt guided to do it. 

I have absolutely NO interest in being set up to compete with other women for someone. That situation is a TOTAL turnoff for me.  My attitude is that if someone I'm with is eyeing someone else, that woman can have him....immediately, my pleasure.  (This is pride, of course.  It's also theoretical, since I've never been with someone who was open about their dalliances.)  This is a little different from Valerie who was up front with you right away and is just dating rather than roving.

I guess she's not available for a relationship, and maybe she won't be for quite awhile.  Did she give you an idea on this?

She has two enticing things to offer, attractive and showed interest -- neither of which makes any difference in how good a partner someone will be.  Have you asked yourself what it is about her that makes you really want a relationship?  If it's just "could be my last and only chance," that doesn't say much.  Does she have anything more to offer than scores of other women have, besides having reached out to you?   I would think you'd be much better off focusing on how she does or doesn't meet your needs rather than what you are to her.  Maybe you don't even want to be dating someone who isn't available to get into a relationship in the near future.  

If the situation is making you less interested, then, yeah, either talk to her about it and/or back off.  I would think it would be good to talk to her about it, though.  Then if you guys decide not to continue dating you wouldn't be left with some uncomfortable ambiguity that ruins your Sat. mtg.  You could even tell her that you would be very interested in resuming if and when she's available to really consider being in a relationship if that's what you wanted.

I think it's really up to you, Andy.  She's having a wonderful time with different men who are paying her a lot of attention.  You are the one whose needs may not be getting met.  If this is really worth it, I wouldn't back off unless I told her that's what I'm going to do and why.  Maybe let her know if you would be interested in picking it up more again when she's ready to get into a relationship.  Or if you want to keep on going like you have been, maybe stop following her FB posts.

I'm concerned I'm getting the bad fatigue thing again.  This morning I spend TWO HOURS STRAIGHT pressing the snooze button, and then didn't do what I had scheduled.  I feel like I'm having a "slump life."  Nothing fun or exciting or much of anything at all.  I can't think about the abbey because it makes me stressed.  So, just in a slump.....or maybe just vegging for awhile after many decades of overworking and overstressing.  Nothing really feels hopeful -- not that I don't have a lot of things to be grateful for.  I'm not depressed or even very disturbed.  I guess it's good I'm scheduled to go to the abbey, because it's not like there's NOTHING on the horizon -- just nothing on the horizon for the next 7 weeks or that I can bear to think about after that..

Hope you feel better soon,

Tara

To Tara Nov 15, 2017 at 11:57 AM

On Wed, Nov 15, 2017 at 11:57 AM, to Tara

So she told me that she is allowing herself one date a week because she is taking care of herself.  That was at lunch on Monday.   So I am not going to ask her out again.  We have our date scheduled for when I get back.  So I sent her a text this morning - taking your advice about not backing off. I am Staying away from the phone as not to obsess.

However; (this is the oh fuck part)  She put up a gratitude list on FB this AM.  You can look at it on my time line maybe- not sure if you can see it.  Anyway the second item down is something like "Thank you Joe Grey for the hook up at the Orpheum tonight."  So I am wondering if you were in my shoes, would it be acceptable for the guy you are interested in to be dating other women?  I am feeling like I want to shut it down and go climb a mountain.

A couple of things - she didn't really mean it when she said one date a week although she might have met one date a week with each guy.  Joe Gray commented back about how happy he was to be on the gratitude list of someone so wonderful.  There is another guy too that commented something similar.

On our first "date"  She mentioned she was dating other guys.  She mentioned Joe in particular and said that he was a "normal" guy.  He was really nice and something else I cannot remember.  Of course I looked at his face book page and he is "the voice" of the Lumber Jacks.  He is extroverted, cool, smooth - all that shit that I am not.  I am sure my little endearing qualities fall short.  I told her I was an introvert.  She said that all the disastrous relationships she had been in have been with alcoholic introverts.  Not looking good.

Oh yeah, the something else was that he was emotionally available.  It's like me but better!

Fuck

Andy 

Valerie

Glad you had a good time yesterday.  She has to be careful with her words so she can feel like she's doing sober dating.  That doesn't mean she's lukewarm.  Whenever you invite her to connect, she does.

I wouldn't back off.  You like her and you like being with her.  You'd rather be spending more time with her than less.  If she's anything like other ACA's I know, it takes one unclear move and about two seconds to question whether the guy who has been saying how much he likes you has now changed his mind.  

In my experience, the percentage of men who decide to back off but are still just as interested as ever in forming a relationship = 0%.  My experience is with addicts/alcoholics using and not. Maybe normies aren't like that.  But if she's been conditioned anything like I have, sensing a man back off before a stable relationship has been established is a very clear sign that you'd better put your eggs in a different basket.   It evokes the immediate thought "Oh..I guess he's changed his mind and decided"...fill in the blank... (maybe he didn't enjoy me so much on the last date;  maybe he recently met someone else;   maybe I'm not available enough for him;   maybe he's comparing me unfavorably to his former partner, etc.).

I think most women LOVE the unflagging attention of a man they're interested in and that's what they've come to expect.  If I felt a man pulling back during courtship, I'd immediately drop him way down on my priority list...no matter how much he had previously convinced me that he's really interested in me OR how much I'd been interested in him.   There are two gifts you can give her which are really special:  1) Being yourself with all the endearing qualities and exceptional emotional honesty which are uniquely you... and 2) Being willing, as the man (I know it's not fair - but it's what women have come to expect...especially ones who have plenty of men interested in them), to risk putting your neck on the line again and again without cease to show her how important she is to you, even though that won't be reciprocated for a long time with anything other than her continuing to accept your invitations.

If you're worried about pressuring her you can ask her "Am I coming on too strong for you?  or Will you please let me know if you start feeling pressured by me?"

Disclaimer:  My advice comes only from observing the many men I've linked with over the years as well as what the other women I've known care about and think.  I have no business saying anything & you can discard my advice ...BUT...at your peril.

There.  I've frittered away another 20 mins. of a day of procrastination.  I'd better stop it soon, or I'll be mad at myself tonight.  Funny, Andy, I really want you to have a chance at a fulfilling relationship, even though I have grave doubts about whether or not I will ever have another.  Sometimes it's hard not to just fly back into Roy's arms.  But I made a commitment to myself, I guess, to just stay alone until I leave for Nova Scotia in 7 weeks.  Right now the bane of my life is doing the million things that need to be done before I leave.  Uugh.

L & L,

Tara

Asking Valerie if she wants to go to lunch.

Text to Valerie:

Hi Valerie, I was wondering if you would want to go to lunch some day this week before I leave town Friday. Since you bought the food after the comedy show, I’m buying. I totally understand if it doesn't work for you though. I hope you're having a good morning. Andy 

My back.

hurts.

Not sure what happened.  I stayed home today because of it.  I kept it on heat most of the day and I slept a lot and worried about tomorrow.  What happens tomorrow?  Probably nothing.

Right now I am listening to hip hop kids by Portugal The Man.

I talked with Alex the other day.  Actually he called me.  I tried to call him on Tuesday but could not get a hold of him which was okay with me.  Anyway, he felt obligated to call me back plus I think he just wanted to.

He really likes collage.  I asked him how it was going.  He said it was a lot of work but he said he loved it.  Collage that is.  He said he was playing music with his friends about 5 times a week about 3 hours at a time.  On the weekends he and his friends do open mic at one of the bars.  He told me that "people actually come to the bar to listen to us and dance!  They actually enjoy the music we are playing.  I look at playing the guitar so differently now."

So I am listening to what may become one of my new favorite songs.  Hip Hop Kids.  Although Atomic Man by PtM is still on top.

I am sick of writing about me obsessing.  But, I wonder if years from now I will remember the significance of the following screen shot:

Hint to Floyd in the future.  The contacts on the left side and the one that is not showing - well showing barely.  It was on your mind. . . 

Call to Dad,

Called my dad the other day. He said his back had been bothering him for a number of weeks now.  He said it would get worse as the day went on.  What came to mind was it could be an abdominal aortic aneurysm.  The very thing that we make where I work.

Today my back hurts.  It started hurting or was just generally sore and then after lunch as I was reaching for a door handle it completely spasmed.  (I deem that spasm and into a verb)

Uh, yeah, enough about her.

Sorry my brain is fucking with me again.  Anyway, I find myself hoping that that is what this is but I am not that lucky it is definitely muscle.  Not sure what I did that caused it other than going for a hike yesterday.

Valerie continued. . .

This is just so fucking pathetic isn't it?   But I might as well right about it.

First of all I think I have blood in my urine which usually means something bad is happening.   I think I just let it go. See what happens.

She texted back last night that she was sorry she was out of touch  She was distracted.

Fuck, I gotta climb a mountain. 

She said she had a really good time too. . . She also said that she may not be able to find someone to watch her son so we would have to hike some place close.

I really gotta climb a mountain.

She said she was distract and not feeling well physically. . .

I texted back that it was okay and said Mars hill would work and told her that I hoped she would feel better.

Really need a mountain.

I think I've got closure on the exchange.

I looked on facebook this evening and saw she had posted about her son.  He is halfway through book 5 of the Harry Potter books and he had started it on Friday.  This woman has a life.  I am alone at the fucking kitchen table writing in this stupid fucking blog that no one will ever read.

Enough about Val.

Another Video

a date continued some more.

I actually really don't feel like sharing about this.

She hasn't texted back.  What the fuck am I doing?  Why is my brain fucking with me like this?

Any way after the show we went to a nouveau bar/restaurant.  We talked and once again I believe I said to much.  I told her about my real addiction.  I asked her if she thought this was a date and reluctantly she said yes.  I am thinking she didn't want it to be but realized that it actually was - a date that is.

We made plans to go on a hike Saturday.

I went to my Sunday night meeting and met with Tara.  I told her that I was not going to text Valerie until Wednesday. Tara thought that was way too long.  She thought I should text at least by Tuesday and that Tuesday would probably be too long.  The meeting was at 6:00 so it wasn't until 8 when I got home.  I decided to leave off texting until the morning.

Monday morning, yesterday, I texted her:

Good morning Valerie,
Saturday night was an unexpected surprise. I felt like I could be myself. I hope you liked myself, I mean me. . . It was nice to open the door for you. I will look for casual places to hike on Saturday. Hope your Monday morning is treating you well. Andy


Tara thought it was good.  So I sent it.

an hour and a half at work

1:53 pm Assembly file created

1:54 pm In Context part created

1:55 pm Sketch created

1:55 pm Rectangle created

1:56 pm Dimensions of width and height applied to rectangle

1:56 pm Stare at rectangle

2:00 pm Still Staring at rectangle - wondering how big should the rectangle really be intermixed with obsessing about other stuff going on in my life.

2:05 pm Still Staring at rectangle - wondering how big should the rectangle really be intermixed with obsessing about other stuff going on in my life.

2:10 pm Still Staring at rectangle - wondering how big should the rectangle really be intermixed with obsessing about other stuff going on in my life.

2:15 pm Width of rectangle changed.

2:20 pm Stare at rectangle some more accept applied width and height dimensions intermixed with obsessing about other stuff going on in my life.  Thinking about giving rectangle some thickness.  What thickness though????  Obsessing about other stuff going on in my life.

2:22 pm Thickness decided and applied - I can't talk about this anymore - I'll either have to kill you or get fired.  If I get fired, I'll kill you - you're dead either way.

2:30 pm Get an e-mail about on-line ethics training.

2:35 pm Start online ethics training course

2:37 pm Ask coworkers how hard the tests are.  Co-workers laugh at me.

2:38 pm Continue talking about ethics with co-workers.

2:50 pm Take the online course

2:15 pm complete online course

2:15 pm Pray that I never have an ethics situation come up in my area of work. (It's not that I am unethical - that much. . but one can get into serious trouble without even knowing it.  Stay away from vendors and customers is the take away here.)

As an aside, speaking of ethics, I hope that what I am writing here in not unethical or violates intellectual property issues. It's just the size of a rectangular solid without material information.

2:19 Stare at rectangular solid created and wonder what to do next.  Obsess on other stuff going on in my life. . . .

A date - continued

The conversation that we had prior to the show was good.  I think I was able to make her laugh.  It could have all just been a "nervous laugh"  - like "oh my God, how the fuck am I going to get out of this."  I don't think it was that though at least not at that point.  By the way, the initial message that she left did sound like she was nervous which I think was a good thing. . . I think.  I mean I could play it for you and let you decide???

Of course the real important part happened after the show.

Valerie - a date.

Well it's good and it's bad.  And of course I focus on the bad.

Saturday around quarter 'til four she sends me a message about going to a comedy show that night.  Doors open at 7 and the show starts at 7:30, however, I read the message as it was taken by voice to text on my verizon voice mail.  It did say all that but then she went on to say something about her being there at 4:30 which she actually said 7:30.  So I called her back and got her voice mail and said, "It looks like you are already there so thanks for inviting me but looks like I can't make it."

Earlier that day JD asked me to feed his dogs because he was going on a Grand Canyon/Verde Valley train trip with Esther for his birthday.  I went over around 4:30 and as I was there looked at the message again and it didn't make sense so I listened to it.  Sure enough it said 7:30 where the voice to text converted it to 4:30.  I called her back and told her I had gotten it wrong and that I could attend.  She was at a birthday party for a friend of hers and did not answer so I left that message on her voice mail again.  I then texted her that I could make it and to disregard the first message.  Anyway she texted me back and we eventually talked and settled the details of when and where to meet.

On Saturday evenings/late afternoon I go to dinner with the 71 year old lesbian across the street.  She was really good friends with Wendy and they both helped each other through a lot of stuff liking watching each others' houses, doing stuff when the other was sick. She would watch Wendy's children when they were young. And she really helped us both when Wendy became really ill.  So I had to work that in.  I didn't want to cancel out on her because of Valerie.

We finally did meet at the show.  We talked a lot before the show and then went to restaurant/bar afterwords and talked some more. . .

To be continued.  I gotta get back to work.

Sheila and Tanya

She (Sheila) called Friday night and we had a good talk.  Just take it for what it is.  There are more pressing issues that I will write about in my next post.

While I was talking to Sheila, Tanya (who has not appeared in this blog yet) texted me.  I had asked her about working on the mini-van I have.  I need to replace the door handle and I thought it would be good to do it with her.  She seems like she is always tackling some project.  She's got the set of tools and all that so I thought I could go over to her place and do it there.

On Sunday I went over there and we plowed into it.  Long story short, the handle did not quite fit so in the process I destroyed the inside plastic bracket that secures the handle and lock to the door.  I ordered the bracket.  Hopefully it is the right one and then I am taking it to the shop and have them fix it.

Tanya may be someone to spend time with this winter.

Seemed like a source of support

So it did seem like I had someone to talk to on the phone.  Someone that is female that is.  This would have been Sheila.  She says she will call and then doesn't or we set up a time and she doesn't answer the phone.  This really isn't a big deal it is just disappointing though.

So I did finish the socks and sent them to her.  I did have to text her to see if she got them.  It had been two days since they had been delivered and I had not heard anything.  So this is kind of telling.  I am not too high on the radar there.  Once again this is okay just disappointing.  So I am going to let go here and leave it to her to contact me.  I think she is doing pretty well now.  I am sure she has a number of guys vying for her attention and she is probably consumed with the impending end of her marriage.

It was nice to knit again for somebody who I thought would use the socks.  Who knows she might.

Time to leave the party.

Valerie

Out of the blue she texted me today.

Conversation with Valerie

Hi Andy, Hope you are having a good week - Valerie Nov 1 2017 9:35 AM You just made my morning! Thank you so much. Hope you are having a good week too! Nov 1 2017 9:52 AM

This conversation was forwarded via

Of course, once again, if I were a puppy my tail would be wagging.

So now when my phone vibrates I get this puppy dog tail wag response.   This sucks be cause my phone just buzzed and it was my sponsee wanting to meet tonight.

Valerie

Valerie is back up on the radar.

Could I just keep this in perspective in my head.  Please.  I think the answer to that is no.  So now I am obsessing a bit about Valerie.

So she has a post up about wanting someone to tune her bike(s)  I am sure she'll get plenty of takers.  Unfortunately I won't be one of them because I don't have the tools.  This will be how she gets her next boyfriend.  Uhg. . .

I saw her at the Sat morning.  When the meeting was over she went right to Greg to start talking to him.  Actually she was sitting next to him on the couch.  "Well that's it.  They're hooking up.",  I thought.  Greg is getting a divorce.  More on Greg at some point other than he is an excellent study in narcissism.

We Will Intuitively Know How to Handle Situations That Used to Baffle Us.

Really?  I don't know what to do here.  I am baffled.  I have this desire to date her.  I don't feel it is right to just come out and ask for the same reason I didn't feel it was right to come out and ask Wendy to date me.

So I go to my car and when I come back she is talking to a guy named John.  John talks with all the women after meetings.  He's doing what I want to do.  I don't know his last name but he showed up around 2008 at the ACoA meeting.  Maybe 2007.  When Wendy and I were dating before I moved in with her John would talk with her after the meetings she went to without me.  Actually after the SLAA meeting shut down Wendy and I did not go to any meetings together.  I am really digressing here.  Anyway one of the times he was talking with her John asked Wendy if she would take him to a colonoscopy.  I so totally get that.  One of the ways to check and then possibly generate interest with a woman you are interested in is to ask them to do something for you.  The classic form of this is getting a ride to the airport.  Wendy said she couldn't but she did ask me if she could have when she was telling me about it.  Would I have minded?  I didn't because I was so secure with Wendy.  I think John found out we were dating and he never asked her again.  Oh yeah.  I knew what he was doing.  But she was my babe!  After that he became known at Colonoscopy John.  I think I am paying for that one now.

So there I was Saturday and he and she were in the entrance way and he was working it.  Or at least that's what I am thinking he was doing. Probably because like I said, that's what I want to do but I really can't.  She glanced at me and that was about it.  I go back and forth a couple of more times until the my other meeting starts where I walk in with some of the other guys in the meeting so that she can see that I am there for a reason other than to hang around to talk to her.  The other thing is that I am hoping she sees that I go to a meeting with nothing but guys where she might think I am really serious about my recovery.  Which, of course, brings up the question, am I?

Some texting with Valerie.

This has gotten disaster written all over it doesn't it.

Oct 07 9:06pm

Hi Andy,
Sorry I didn’t get a chance to talk to you this morning. It was good to see you at the meeting. Hope you are doing well

So this text makes me feel so good. Wow, just out of the blue she texts me. Total ego shot. So I text her back.

Oct 07 9:24pm

Hi Valerie,
Yeah, I was thinking this might be your weekend to work. I liked your share. I realized that friendships with those in program are the safest. And attempted friendships with those outside are not as safe which is why I am sitting here kind of licking my wounds. It was nice to see you as well. I will be up with my son in Durango next weekend. I hope that one of these Saturdays we'll be able to talk after the meeting. Hope you are doing well also. Sorry for the long text.

After this text I didn't get anything back. "Let go", I tell myself. And so I do.

Oct 21 4:16pm

Hi Andy,
I thought I had replied to your last txt. Sorry about that. How are you?

So two weeks later I get this text. However; in the previous text there was really nothing to respond to.

Oct 21 4:28pm

Hi Valerie, That's okay. Thanks for asking. It's nice to hear from you. I am doing well. How are you?

So I text her back again. This time I had asked a question but got no response Again, I tell myself to let go and so I do.

Oct 28 1:16pm

Hi Valerie, I responded to your text last Saturday. I am wondering if you got it. Was going to ask you this morning at the meeting. It was nice to see you. Hope you are doing well.

Oct 28 1:29pm

I did! I’m so sorry I didn’t reply. I’ve been super scattered and not feeling well. I had hope to talk with you after and was meaning to txt you today when we didn’t get to talk.

Oct 28 1:56pm

No problem, I understand. I was just wondering. Sorry to hear you aren't feeling well. hope that changes. I am pretty scattered myself.. I have a wonderful scattered story - might share that next sat. Hope we get a chance to talk at some point.

Oct 28 2:04pm

I’m on my way to the women’s meeting. Could I call you later this afternoon?

Oct 28 2:06pm

Sure, Would enjoy talking if you get the chance.

Oct 28 6:46pm

If you’d like to add me on Facebook, feel free. Valerie Ellis Brazzell

Oct 28 6:48pm

Okay. I will do that.

Still she writes nothing; not since "I didn't quit"

It's a beautiful Sunday morning.  There isn't a cloud in the sky.  It has actually been this way for about 28 days now.  The need to TCB seems to be low.  Thank you G-d.  Probably because I got a call from Sheila.  I also got a call from Valerie yesterday.  We talked for quite a bit.  That was nice.

The need to TCB went high and now is low. . . .

I thought I would write soooo much today.  I wrote next to nothing.  And now it is time for the meeting.  And now I feel like writing.

And so I didn't write.  Of course, I am writing this now at work two days later (10/31/2017)  I want to respond to her post but I am so fucking afraid to.  I would so love to communicate back and forth and talk about how fucked up her life is.  And talk about how fucked up my life is.  Which of course it is not but my brain really wants me to think it is.

There appears to be a theme here

of late.

This is because of her posts and now I am obsessing about posting a comment on her blog.  Here's the thing about posting a comment on her blog though.  Once I post the comment, I will be looking for a comment back. This obsession will dwarf the one I have now.

Three things can happen:

1.) She comments back
2.) She blocks me
3.) She ignores me.

Not sure which is worse: option 2 or option 3.  I guess blocking me settles the question once and for all; ignoring me, leaves it open ended; no closure.

Posted again.

She posted again yesterday - two days in a row.

It seemed to be a more positive post like the last one.  The first line of her post was about not posting about someone on facebook due to anonymity issues at work.  This of course was like "game on" for me to find her facebook page which I accomplished in about 5 minutes.  Hence my previous post.

So yeah, what would I like to write to her in a comment on one of her posts

This is what I might write on her most current post.  "So, you pray for God's will?  Just ran across your blog.  (Clicked on the  "Next Blog" thingy in the tool bar and your blog came up.) I do the same thing.  Pray to what ever is out there to see if I should be doing what I am doing."

I think I will post more on the townsend blog first.  I want to post the "gotta gotta gotta get out if you wanna get it" video so I look really cool to her.  I say as I sit on my fat ass getting fatter.

I think it would be fun to start talking with her again.

Blogger Girl

I feel like such a stalker.  I'm not!  Really, I'm not!

https://www.facebook.com/MissMyraJane

It's two o'clock

and the sun is lighting up the inside of the house through the back windows.

This makes me anxious because half the day is gone and I haven't done anything.

I think I will crash out again.

Done.

She wrote again today.  It started out weird.  There was no title for the post and the first sentence assumed prior knowledge by the reader on the subject at hand which is a place of employment.  "Been working there for the last month. . . . ", the sentence starts as if the read knows where "there" is.  Like most of her sentences it is a fragment.  Never-the-less she seems to write well (yeah, like I can judge)  I don't believe she is educated beyond high school.  I mean, I can understand what she is talking about.  That's the point really, isn't it?

Anyway, she starts out talking about her back going out and ends up talking about a creepy Mexican dude that wants to kidnap her and take her to Mexico.  She asks an interesting question at the end.  "Why do the creeps always find me out."  I think what she means is why do I always attract the creeps?

I hope I am not one of those "creeps".  I don't want to be - a creep that is.

Another Video

Once again, a number of weeks ago.  I guess it would be three weeks ago.  The whole incident with Vicky Cullen happened.  I want to preface the video that I am going to put up on youtube with that incident.  I am starting to see the incident as kind of a hit in the head - a smack up side the face if you will. . .

I don't want to go into the specifics of what happened.  I want to talk about the fact that I went on a date, I was ready to go down the rabbit hole to crazy town with this woman, and I got hurt.  Fortunately, I got hurt before I began the descent into the hole.  Two weekends after that incident I along with my ex-wife and two other sons went to Durango to visit my oldest son at college.

Here goes:

So about two weeks prior to this video I had a fairly mean trick played on me.  It's my own fault.  I walked right into it.  It's hard to know if it was actually intentional.  Anyway, it stung quite a bit.  I felt foolish and ashamed - and, for good reason.  I had lost my way a bit.  I had gotten distracted.  And in that distraction I fell right into somebody's manipulative plan.  It is  quite apparent that that person is living a pretty fucked up life and I almost got sucked into it.

The weekend that this video was shot was parent's weekend at Fort Lewis College.  I spent the weekend with my three boys and my ex-wife.  It was a comforting, warm, and fun weekend with lots of laughter and play.  It was a weekend that helped me refocus.

Moved this Blog

So I moved this blog from book-of-floyd to the address you see in the address bar.

Why did I do this?

So a number of weeks ago I confided in a coworker about this blog.  This is the first person I have given the info to about this blog.  For what ever reason it kind of felt safe to do so.  And I think it is still "safe" to have her read it.  I confided with her about a lot of stuff that is in this blog - primarily the sex addiction and all that it entails.  She said she really wanted to read it.  She said she likes reading other people's blogs.  I thought, "Yeah it might be pretty good reading for her."

Why did I decide to let her read my blog?

The answer to this is the same as my answer to why I moved the blog.  Ego.

So now I keep looking in my statcounter to see if she has been reading it.  She read quite a bit of it the day I told her about it but then the following day she hooked up with the guy she works with.  So now she is doing what I would be doing and that is fucking.
.
.
.
all the time.

Yep, there is a lot of envy here.  I would like to be in a new relationship where I am fucking all the time.   And yes, there is a tiny bit of jealousy here as well - she is cute and young and all that but she ain't Monika who by the way is moving to another location and I will never see her again - disappointing but it's for the best I am sure.

Never-the-less I still keep going back to the fucking statcounter site to see if she (not Monika) has looked at the blog.  She hasn't - not since that day.

Question still remains: Why did I move the blog.  Well,  Now I know she can't get to it.  So there is no need to look at statcounter anymore.  I will still look of course just to see if anyone is looking at this stupid fucking journal which is still my ego.

Finished the Socks for Sheila

Parents Weekend

Hi,

I am actually putting our e-mail correspondence in my book of floyd blog.  I do that from time to time.  This is one of those times.

So things went better than anticipated with her but I gotta be careful not to read anything into "what ever happened up there."

I got this text from her as I was getting just approaching the peaks from the north:

"Hi. We made it home. Coulda made it in 5.5 hrs but we stopped and ate. It was a fun weekend."

We will now do an analysis of the text.  "What could it possibly?" mean we are wondering.

The first part seems fairly straight forward "Hi."  A salutation.  The salutation precedes the rest of the text.  It is short for "Hello"  She could have just started in with, "We made it home. . . "  but instead she delivers a salutation as her point of entry into a correspondence.  I think in this case, the "Hi." signals to me  that she is starting the beginning of a new correspondence "thread" if you will. . . 

Right now you are probably thinking. "Oh no, he might be over thinking this a bit?"  If it were me I would be thinking, "You gotta effing be kidding me!"  (Since you're going off to be a Nun for 6 months I will hold back on the curse words, especially the Ef bombs.  Although when I say "effing" you are thinking "fucking" so I am not sure how sensitive I am really being.)  I was just joking with that amount of detail. Sooooo.....

I will abbreviate the analysis to:

1.) She sent me a text she was home.

2.) She told me about the time it took

3.) She said it was a fun weekend

1.) She didn't have to text and usually doesn't (sometimes she does sometimes she doesn't - send me a text that is) So this doesn't really mean anything.

2.) We had talked about the time it takes to get to Durango from each place (Boulder and Flag)  I have said in the past that it takes 5 hours from Flag.  I always thought Flag was closer.  She believes it takes the same time - This second statement may be an indication of a little "rivalry" between us.  (By the way it took me 4.75 hours to get from Durango to Flag.  I did not point that out to her. She actually is a bit competitive.  I do not want to bring that up.

3.) She has mentioned she has had good times in our "family outings" in the past so this does not mean much.

Conclusion:  She happened to remember to text me so she did.  Basically the text really doesn't mean anything at all other than the information it communicates.

The biggest thing that happened over the weekend was the picture.  The boys and I walked down this "slew."  That is what we were calling it.  It was actually an aqueduct.  Basically it is a wooden trough that carries water from Cascade Creek to a "tunnel" further down the hill side.  Across the top, joists span the trough from side to side and are spaced about a foot apart.  Running across these joists are three two by six planks arranged side by side to form a walk way on top of and down the center of the trough.  

We walked down the aqueduct to the source (Cascade Creek) which was about a quarter mile.  And then we walked back.  We were just coming off the duct and She was standing there with her phone in the "camera - picture taking position."  I started to exit the field of view and she said, "No, get back in.  I want to get a picture of you guys."  That felt good.

When we got back to the air bnb she wanted to go for an interpretive hike up by the college.  Of course, none of the boys wanted to do that.  I wanted to go for a hike along the river and the train tracks to get some more video and pictures of the train.  The kids wanted to go with me.  This, of course, made me feel good.  And I think it may have had an affect on her.  Basically, it was the boys going out to play on the railroad tracks.  And so we did and it was fun.   I did get some more cool pictures.

I eventually got a text from her asking where we had gone - mean she was back from her hike.  The train had just gone by and I got more video and pictures and we went out to eat.  That was also fun.  I did end up having two beers as I told you on the phone and they hit me pretty hard.  She can handle that a lot better than I can.  There is no way I could have driven.  But we had a really good time that night. 

That's All

Peace Out

A little ampped up tonight. or This is what happened with Vicky

In reference to the post a while back about Vicky Cullen.  We met for a hike on North Table mountain and then went to this blue grass concert at a brewery.  She considered it a date.  I did not.  When I found out she did then I went along.  What the fuck, why not.

Out of the entire episode with her this is what kinda gets me

Let me start with a short recap of the episode.  We meet on facebook - old schoolmates from grade school no less.  Eventually we make plans to meet in Golden.  We meet for a hike and then lunch at a brewery.  I discover she considers our meeting a date so I go along. - hook, line, and sinker.  We get to talking.

The next thing is important.  Some of my videos on facebook are on my youtube channel.  She looks through the videos and one them she watches is of me and Wendy walking to the Taco Shack.  It was probably two years ago to the day as I am writing this.  When this video was taken Wendy's time on the planet was less than two months.  Anyway Vicky (I'm sorry I think Victoria is a stupid fucking pretentious name. - yes I know - me being bitter - whatever) starts talking about that video and how much it "touched" her.  As she is talking about it there is a little thing in the back of my mind that I am not really paying attention to.  The little thing I guess is some sort of warning that indicated I was being played.  Never-the-less this appeals to my ego that it drowns out the warning buzzer and down the rabbit hole I fall.  At then end of our meeting she says she wants me to tell her when I am coming up again.  I agree to do so.

A couple weeks later I go back up there for a wilderness medical class and on that Saturday morning I see pictures of her and her ex with just his name written for the caption.  There were three of these posts and they were met for me.

So yes it hurts that she does not want to go out with me or that she used me to make the boyfriend that dumped her jealous.  It worked.  I really gotta take that in.  If the guy had any self esteem he would have just looked at the post of us on face book and said "So what?"  But no he actually found my presence in her life threatening. (He's just a sucker with no self esteem - the great poet Dexter Holland)

What really gets me is she looked at that video of me and Wendy both of us in a tremendous amount of pain and then used that on me.

So I gotta not go there.  I am going to have to talk about this with someone like a licensed professional.

E-mail Exchange (what I would say to the X)

Email to Beth:

I sent this to the unnamed ex let me know what you think:

"I am sorry for my reaction on the phone when we talked on Sunday night.  Yes I was a bit disappointed.  I have had a number of things happen lately that have felt somewhat "abandoning" which of course you were not doing.  I was looking forward to having us be more somewhat like a family.  I definitely was not expecting anything.  I hope you understand this.

To allay any concerns you have - you need not make anything "crystal clear" with me.  I do understand there might be others in your life as well as the kids that could misinterpret us staying in the same VRBO.

I have always believed and continue to do so that it would be a huge mistake to develop anything more than a working friendship to raise the three boys.  I was hoping to establish a bit more of a "friendship" where you would be part of the resources I am trying to gather for some support during the upcoming months.  I can see that would not be a good idea.

Although it has been very supportive to talk with you as friends and see the kids more often it is turning out not to be that practical.  It is stressful for you when you have to find a place to stay.  I don't have the money for a hotel.  And, it appears the kids and others important to you in your life may be getting the wrong idea.  So I guess I would like to go back to me visiting when ever you are able and want to get away.  I think it used to be maybe 4 to 6 times a year.

Also now that the kids have phones we probably really don't need to talk that much anymore. I don't want to know about issues going on with the kids (like what Adam is going through) as it is a bit too stressful for you.  It is really none of my business anyway and my influence on them at this point in their lives is negligible.

I guess all in all, it would probably be best just to go back to the way it was before Wendy and I got together.  Really the only thing I can do is what I have done in the past; keep steady with the child support payments and talk to the kids whenever they have time."

From Beth

Subject: Re: I sent this to the unnamed ex let me know what you think.

I'd say you made your feelings "crystal clear."  I'll be really interested to see how she responds.

I'm coming down with something.  Achy and very nauseous.  I think that's all the feedback I can give now.

To Beth

I'm sorry I did not send that I thought that that might be obvious there's no way I would send something like that I was just ranting there's some elements of that that I might talk to her about and tell her.

From Beth

Oh.  I've been puking through every orifice you can puke through.  (That would be one plus a pair, but it sounds more dramatic the other way.)  It's distracting me from paying close attention to other things.

To Beth:

Oh this so calls for a reply.  I cannot believe your self-centeredness.  OMG!  Your letting a little thing like blowing out both ends distract you from my tradgic life.  Now I know what kind of friend you are!   Actually I realized in my last missive to you that I did not wish you a speedy recovery.   So I got on my e-mail to do so and found your e-mail.  This sounds serious.   Could you let me know tomorrow how you are.   I hope it's nothing serious.

From Beth:

sure. thx for the laugh

To Beth:

How are you doing today?

From Beth:

I can't eat yet, but I'm not nearly so miserable as I was.  The nausea and body aches started calming down some this morning.  I didn't get much sleep so I'll probably just stay in bed today.  I predict I'll be up and almost normal by tomorrow.

To Beth:

My brain seems to be doing better.  This is kind of an odd statement because it is, in fact, my brain that is writing these words you are reading.  I am really working on trying to figure out what is so fucking bad about my situation.  I am not coming up with any good answers.  This, I think, is a good thing.

I am pissed that I feel so fucking awful and hopeless all because I am alone.  I don't understand it.  I have been asking Wendy to give me the shift that she talked about.  A shift where all the sudden I am okay with be alone.  I mean I am just fine when I climb.  In fact, I'd rather not have anybody with me when I climb.

keep continuing to feel better.

Floyd

From Beth:

Have you ever felt okay being alone?  I think you were during that time when you were hanging with Frank.

I have felt okay being unpartnered in the past, but I had one or more kids living with me.  That changed last year and it felt awful.  But I'm really doing okay now.  I go to more meditation groups and meetings.  And, of course, I have the time at the abbey coming up.  That kind of keeps me occupied.  

I'm glad you have your 14ers.  That's been an amazing adventure in your life!

To Beth:

Actually to be honest I think it would be really cool to be okay with not wanting to have someone else in my life.  That is the way I am out on the mountains.

This is new thinking that just occurred to me in the last couple of days.  Last night for the first time I asked the question:

"Why can't I be alright without anybody in my life?"

 As soon as I asked that question that panicky feeling lessened.  I think it mostly has to do with shame.  So when I am around other couples doing all the things that couples do I feel a sense of shame that I am alone.

There is this woman at work - the 24 year old I talked to you about.  She asked me that question last Thursday, "Why do you need to be in a relationship with someone."  and said right after that, "See I am totally okay with no one in my life."  However, she and someone she works with closely had been making overtures to one another for some time and they ended up "connecting up" over this last weekend.  I went to a meeting with them yesterday and they behaved like a "new couple."  Yeah, You know.  Fortunately, I was able to find a way to cut the meeting short and got the fuck out of there before I threw up.

Before Wendy and I got together, I wanted to get into a relationship.  I did feel lonely and all that crap but was okay with not being in one. . .  somewhat.  I was in my early 40's then.  Now I am old and I think of Frank and how he could never get into a relationship after he was 50 and that just freaks me out.  I knew a lot of people including you that would tell me shit like the "24 year old"  would tell me - "You can be just fine without being in a relationship"  These people were probably never "not in a relationship" for more than a couple of months.  You have since had that experience and more recently the experience I have had multiple times in my life - living alone - "for reals"  Basically she totally has no idea of what she is talking about.   She can't even remotely relate.  The fact is, is that most people can't do it.  Because I am so introverted (and Wendy was also) I may not have that choice.  I don't have a whole lot going for me other than I appear to be good at making ex-boyfriends jealous.

So, why can't I be alright without anybody in my life?  I've been talking with Wendy about the issue.  So I will keep asking Wendy to give me that shift.